Toilet

There was nothing quite like starting the day sitting on the toilet, the day's first movement helped along by the coffee and cigarettes he had in there with him and the paper he had to read while it took place.
It was so relaxing.
The other shoppers in IKEA who walked past the display bathroom didn't agree.

Directions

"Excuse me, can you tell me the way to the museum?" he asked.
He wasn't asking anyone in particular, he just hoped one of the many people on the street could help him. He'd got a map, but in the absence of any kind of YOU ARE HERE reference point it was useless.
Everyone on the street ignored him.
I might as well be speaking a foreign language, he thought.
And he was, that was the problem. Parisians were unlikely to help an angry-sounding Glaswegian who spoke a variety of English none of them had ever heard.

Spray

Fresh from the shower, he reached for the can of deodorant. He shook it, not sure why, but he always did it. There wasn't much left in the can.
He made a mental note to buy a new one while he was in town.
He sprayed a little under each armpit and experienced a slight burning sensation. The slight sensation became stronger and soon it was unbearable.
He screamed as he jumped back in the shower, desperate to wash off the irritant.
In the kitchen his wife was about to clean the oven and opened the cleaning cupboard. She was certain there was a can of oven cleaner that was almost empty, but she couldn't find it. And why was there a can of Lynx Africa in there?

Post

It didn't arrive as early as it once did and this frustrated her. She was waiting for an important delivery and she was growing impatient.
At about 10:30 she heard the sound of the front gate being opened and ran to the door to greet the postman.
He fed the day's mail through the letterbox as she eagerly awaited the receipt of that thing she'd ordered on the other side.
A thick bundle slapped on to the door mat and she knelt down to pick it up.
Advert, advert, advert, advert. They were all advertising flyers. Where was the real mail?
The thing she'd ordered sat in its envelope in a sorting office in the next town, delayed for no actual reason.

Punchline

"...so then the priest turned around and said 'that's not one of the Commandments'."
They all laughed at the greatest joke they'd ever heard.

Water

Why did it all have to do with water?
They'd started with something called trickle-down economics which was clearly a load of tosh and now the papers were talking about streams of migrants which gave way to floods of the same.
He was surprised they hadn't all drowned in the tsunami of bullshit.

Emojis

She was dragged out of her house by two officers without any explanation and thrown into the back of a huge, white truck.
Inside were at least fifty others. They seemed to be of every demographic - men, women, young, old, black, white. Physically they had nothing in common and she wondered what everyone had done.
The truck trundled along and they were thrown this way and that as it bounced along a road clearly not built for trucks.
Eventually they came to a standstill and the doors were opened.
Other trucks were arriving too and everyone was escorted out and made to stand in a line in front of a long wall. A black car with tinted windows arrived.
There was something sinister about the whole situation.
What the hell was happening?
"Attention!" yelled the man from the black car. "You might wonder why you have all been brought here. It's because you haven't followed the law."
What law? What was he talking about?
"As of yesterday the use of emojis is forbidden. You have all used emojis in a tweet or text in the last 24 hours..."
How ridiculous. Was this some sort of elaborate joke?
"...and are therefore all sentenced to death."
Hundreds of shots rang out.