Gift

"Here, have this horse," said the man.
"Why, thank you very much," said the other man.
He walked up to it and looked inside its mouth.
"Woah! What are you doing?"
"I'm looking in its mouth."
"But what about the saying?"
"What saying?"
"You know, the one that says that you shouldn't do that."
"What nonsense."
The man picked up a plank of wood and smacked the other man across the back of the head with it.

Team Talk

"That performance was shambolic," said the manager. "You should all be thoroughly ashamed with yourselves."
The players all stared at the floor, embarrassed by the first half which saw them on the brink of a huge defeat.
"I'm going to leave you to think about this for a while."
The manager left the room and locked the door.
There was a hiss of gas.

Taxi

"Where to, guv?" asked the taxi driver as the door closed.
"I want to go to the edge of the world," said the man in black.
"Be more specific."
"A place where the dead walk and fires burn. A place where you can hear the screams long into the night. A place where chaos reigns and society is lawless."
"Acton, then?"
The man nodded as the taxi pulled into traffic.

Quick

She opened the front door.
The world was gone.

Penalty

He stood and looked at the goal. It somehow looked smaller than usual and the goalkeeper suddenly looked like a giant.
He placed the ball on the spot and took five paces backwards.
The crowd roared louder and louder. The ground began to shake.
A crack appeared across the pitch in front of him. It widened and the goalkeeper, unable to react quickly enough, fell into it, screaming. His scream became quieter.
He looked at the referee who shrugged and blew his whistle.
He chipped the ball easily into the empty goal.

Britpub

"Pint of lager, please."
"We don't sell that anymore."
"Why not?"
"It's foreign."
"What? They make it in London."
"That's as maybe, but the concept of lager is German."
The man sighed.
"What have you got?"
"Guinness."
The man turned around, walked out and went to the other pub.

Longpig

The pan was sizzling and he threw the steak into it. Fat splashed in every which direction as the meat crackled with approval.
One minute and he turned it over. He like it rare.
One minute on the other side and then he used a pair of tongs to lift it on to the plate of chips which stood on the worktop next to the cooker.
He sat at the kitchen table and cut into the steak. Blood ran from it.
He looked at the photo of his recently deceased wife on the wall and smiled as he ate part of her thigh.

At Sea

The sea was rough. Waves as tall as buildings were crashing over the boat.
The boat wasn't designed for these conditions. It was a rowing boat and the boys had stolen it from the lake in the park. Taking it out to sea was not their brightest idea.
"What are we going to do?" asked one.
"We'll just ride it out," replied the other.
The boat bobbed up and down violently.
A wave of karma smashed into the side and knocked the boys into the drink.
The boat survived and was washed ashore.

Flowers

She walked into the florist's.
"Have you got any roses?" she asked.
"I've got some in the back. Come and have a look," said the florist, leading the way.
The room behind the shop was massive, easily three times larger than the shop itself, and it was like a floral jungle.
"What about these?" the florist asked, gesturing towards the largest amount of roses the woman had ever seen.
She didn't answer. The leaves of a plant behind her had reached out and smothered her face. Her body thrashed around and she attempted a scream which was muffled. The plant held her tightly until her body went limp.

Broadcast

"Now it's this week's number one single and then, the news," said the DJ in his most enthusiastic voice.
The song started playing and he removed his headphones as the shit song which had inexplicably sold more copies than all the other shit songs that week played.
"I've had it," he said to the producer in a less enthusiastic voice.
"What do you mean?"
"This." He pointed at the speakers in the studio.
"This song? It'll be replaced by something else next week."
"That's my point. It's different shit, but it's the same."
The producer looked perplexed.
The DJ stood and ran across the room, crashing head first through the window.

The Beautiful Game

The coach stood on the sideline. He was not happy.
His tactics were sound, of that he was sure, but they were 2-0 down after just six minutes.
He needed new tactics.
He turned and nodded to the man at the top of the stand behind him. The man nodded back and reached into his inside jacket pocket.
A shot rang out and the referee collapsed.
The coach smiled.

Gum

He chewed his gum and realised that it had no flavour left. It had started to taste a little bit like rubber, which should really have warned him about the ingredients which the artificial flavouring had been masking.
He took the gum from his mouth and pressed it into the underside of the desk. There were several hard lumps already under there from other students.
He took a packet from his pocket and tossed a new piece of gum in his mouth.
It tasted strange.
He could feel his tongue start to swell and his throat close up.
He fell from his seat and started to convulse.
The lesson continued.

Early

She had arrived far too early. Nobody was here yet. She lit a cigarette and checked her watch. There was over an hour to go.
She paced up and down outside, chainsmoking. The nerves had really kicked in and she wasn't sure how she was going to cope.
Maybe she could just go home and forget it?
Maybe, but it was too important for that. It was the chance of a lifetime.
She checked in her bag that the gun was still there.

Waiting

He looked at his watch. It was still 22 minutes.
He looked at the large clock which hung over the platform. The clock agreed with his watch, right down to the second.
He paced up and down.
22 minutes later, the train pulled into the platform and stopped.
He cradled his bag which held the device and headed for the doors at the front of the train.

The Voucher

The cashier scanned the items and the woman bagged everything up. She placed the bags in the trolley.
"That comes to £86.52," said the cashier.
"I have a voucher," said the woman.
She rifled through her purse until she found the voucher among a bundle of receipts and pieces of paper.
"What's this?" asked the cashier, eyeing the voucher which was of an unknown kind to her.
"I got it sent to me last week. It was with a whole load of promotional stuff from this store."
The voucher declared itself to be a  'MYSTERY DISCOUNT' coupon.
The cashier shrugged and scanned the barcode.
The till drawer opened and a siren sounded.
A man in a suit appeared.
"Congratulations, you've won a 100% discount and a mystery prize," he said.
"Wow! What's the mystery prize though?" the woman asked.
The man pulled a gun from his inside pocket and shot the cashier in the face.

Ready

"Are you ready?"
She was ready.
"Go!"
She stood dead still.
"What are you doing?"
"I wasn't ready."

Crocodile

The man appeared from the shadows and pulled out a knife.
"That's not a knife," said the Australian man who was having what very clearly was a knife waved in his face.
"Yes it is."
"No it's not."
The man stabbed him in the throat.
Blood gushed from above the Australian man's collar as he fell to his knees.

Got the Time

"I don't think we've got enough time. What time is it?"
"It's eleventy minutes past thirty twelve."
"That's no time at all."

Cattle

There was a lot of noise coming from the barn. The cows were clearly unsettled.
He walked outside just in time to see the roof fly off the barn and what appeared to be a flying saucer taking off from within it.
He swore a cow waved at him as the craft took off.

The Truth

"What did you think of my band?" the young upstart asked him.
"I thought you were shit. It was just a tuneless dirge."
The young upstart punched him in the face, knocking him to the floor. He kicked him in the ribs several times while he was down.
"But you asked for my opinion!"
The young upstart crouched down and spat in his face.
"Sometimes," he whispered, "it's better just to lie."

The Lie

"I can't work on Saturday, because I'm taking my son to the air show."
A perfectly normal statement, but it was a lie. It wasn't that he wasn't taking his son to the air show, it was that he didn't have a son.
This had been said 13 years ago and the lies that had been told to cover up the original lie were becoming bigger.
He had framed photos on his desk of a boy who wasn't his son - photos of some random child he'd found on the internet.
And now he sat at his desk smiling.
"What are you so happy about?" his colleague asked.
"It's just that my son has been accepted by Oxford University," he replied.
"That's geat news! I'll take you for a drink after work to celebrate."
Telling lies was not without rewards.

ATM

He slid his card into the machine and entered his PIN.
There were three options on the screen: CHECK BALANCE, WITHDRAW CASH and ?.
He was intrigued and tapped the screen by the ? option.
The wall below the ATM opened and a metal object stuck out.
The screen flashed and there were new options. There were six names on the screen, none of which meant anything to him. He tapped on a random one.
The metal object roared out of the wall, traversed the street and knocked down a man.
People screamed.
YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN DEBITED, the ATM told him, and it spat his card back out.

The Link

"Look at the link below," he said.
"What's it for?"
"It's for my book. You should buy it."
"I will."
He clicked on the link and ordered 500 copies, one for every person he hated.

Mystery Meal

There were two cans in the cupboard, both without labels.
She decided it was time to see what was in them.
She opened the first. It was apricots. She knew they would do for dessert.
She opened the second. It contained some kind of brown stuff. It didn't smell too bad. She stuck a finger in and had a taste. Meaty.
She rolled out some pastry and made a pie with the unidentified meat.
It was the best catfood pie anyone had ever made.

Closing Time

"What time do you close?"
"5."
"OK, I'll be back before then."
He left.
He returned at 4:55 and attempted to enter the shop only to find the door locked.
He looked through the window to see the shopkeeper laughing and giving him the finger.

Surprise

He put the key in the lock, turned it and entered. His flat was in total darkness. He reached out to where he knew the light switch to be and felt something unusual. He moved his hand over it trying to work out what it was.
The lights came on.
"Surprise!" shouted someone as he continued to fondle the dead man's face.

Radio

"Next up, it's the new one from Taylor Swift."
He liked Taylor Swift, so he turned it up.
He sang along with the song and as the song faded out the DJ spoke: "Here's the new one from Taylor Swift."
He sang along along once more.
The DJ played the song a third time, a fourth, a fifth.
He turned the radio off, having discovered that he actually hated Taylor Swift.

Monday

The road opened up, revealing a fiery pit beneath.
He knew that this was going to be a bad day, but not the worst Monday he had experienced.

Dream

He woke up from a great night's sleep, memory of the dream still fresh.
It had been a good dream. Everything had been as it should be in his life, total peace and serenity.
He sighed, swung his legs out of his bed, picked up his rifle and headed out of the door.

Airport

"Which way to the airport?"
"Which airport?"
"Scarborough Airport."
"Scarborough doesn't have an airport."
"Yes it does. I was told to meet my friend there."
"Your friend lied to you then."
"He wouldn't do that."
"Or you're just mistaken."
"That definitely wouldn't happen."
"Maybe you're just gullible?"
"No, I'm absolutely not."
He thought for a second.
"The airport is that way."
He pointed up the road and the man immediately followed his direction.

Inexperience

The waves rolled in over the white beach, crashing against the bottom of the cliff.
He stood at the top of the cliff, a good 75 metres above the beach, waiting for the right conditions.
He dived as the tide reached its highest point, unaware that the water was little more than a meter deep and that the sand covered some fairly jagged rocks.