He sat in his shed and looked out towards his garden. The huge, wooden shed was finally complete after two years of hard work. It wasn't one of those flatpack atrocities and he had designed and built every single part of it himself. It was his life's greatest achievement.
He lifted the wine glass to his lips and smiled as flames engulfed the structure.
Monday 30 April 2018
Sunday 29 April 2018
Call
"Hello, can I speak to your accounts department?"
"What is this regarding?"
"My account."
"Can you be more specific?"
"Am I talking to someone in accounts?"
"No."
"Then why should I tell you anything about my account?"
"Because I'm the one who's going to help you and if you want anything to happen you'll bloody well answer my question. I'm the one in charge in this conversation, you cheeky shit."
"Do you record all your phone calls?"
"Yes."
"I'd like to speak to your complaints department in that case."
"What is this regarding?"
"What is this regarding?"
"My account."
"Can you be more specific?"
"Am I talking to someone in accounts?"
"No."
"Then why should I tell you anything about my account?"
"Because I'm the one who's going to help you and if you want anything to happen you'll bloody well answer my question. I'm the one in charge in this conversation, you cheeky shit."
"Do you record all your phone calls?"
"Yes."
"I'd like to speak to your complaints department in that case."
"What is this regarding?"
New Punch and Judy
The spousal abuse has got to go. Punch needs to be called something far less aggressive, like Dave.
The sausages have got to go too. Vegans and vegetarians don't like them.
Lose the crocodile too. We can't be having dangerous animals like that on the loose, can we?
Drop the police brutality too. What does that leave us with?
Dave and Judy are sitting in their kitchen enjoying a nice organic salad. There's a knock at the door. Dave opens it. It's a policeman holding a puppy.
"Is this yours?" asks the policeman.
"Yes, thanks. He must have got out through that hole in the fence," Dave replies.
The policeman hands over the puppy. Everyone smiles.
I think this might be a winner.
The sausages have got to go too. Vegans and vegetarians don't like them.
Lose the crocodile too. We can't be having dangerous animals like that on the loose, can we?
Drop the police brutality too. What does that leave us with?
Dave and Judy are sitting in their kitchen enjoying a nice organic salad. There's a knock at the door. Dave opens it. It's a policeman holding a puppy.
"Is this yours?" asks the policeman.
"Yes, thanks. He must have got out through that hole in the fence," Dave replies.
The policeman hands over the puppy. Everyone smiles.
I think this might be a winner.
Saturday 28 April 2018
Revenge
"We will have revenge!" he shouted from the podium.
A huge cheer erupted in the room.
The man left the stage as the crowd chanted his name. He waved and smiled at them.
He was ushered along some corridors and into a private room where a buffet of sandwiches sat on a large table.
"No crusts, just the way I like it," he said, grabbing a handful and slapping them down on to a plate.
"That went well," said the little man who was his advisor.
"It's pretty easy to fool these people. They're so bloody stupid they'll believe anything you tell them."
The little man's mouth was open in a huge O.
"Sir..."
"As if we're really going to get revenge. It makes no financial sense. Only an idiot would do it."
"Sir..."
"But as long as these morons get told what they want to hear, I'll get elected again and we can keep on riding this gravy train."
The little man's face was as white as a glass of milk and was contorted into a painful shape.
"Sir!"
"What is it, man?"
He pointed at the man's lapel.
"Your microphone is still on."
A huge cheer erupted in the room.
The man left the stage as the crowd chanted his name. He waved and smiled at them.
He was ushered along some corridors and into a private room where a buffet of sandwiches sat on a large table.
"No crusts, just the way I like it," he said, grabbing a handful and slapping them down on to a plate.
"That went well," said the little man who was his advisor.
"It's pretty easy to fool these people. They're so bloody stupid they'll believe anything you tell them."
The little man's mouth was open in a huge O.
"Sir..."
"As if we're really going to get revenge. It makes no financial sense. Only an idiot would do it."
"Sir..."
"But as long as these morons get told what they want to hear, I'll get elected again and we can keep on riding this gravy train."
The little man's face was as white as a glass of milk and was contorted into a painful shape.
"Sir!"
"What is it, man?"
He pointed at the man's lapel.
"Your microphone is still on."
Thursday 26 April 2018
Disturbance
"They're at it again," he said as if it wasn't obvious.
His wife sighed and rolled her eyes.
This was becoming far too regular from next door. The noise was distracting when they were trying to watch TV.
"Fight fire with fire," he'd suggested when it first started and he'd turned the volume all the way up. It hadn't helped though and the neighbours had a firm advantage in the war of decibels.
Now they just left the room whenever it started and did something else. They were watching much less TV now and had become quite good at various in-garden and in-garage projects.
It was only a few years until the neighbours' teenage son would move out and take his wretched drum kit with him.
His wife sighed and rolled her eyes.
This was becoming far too regular from next door. The noise was distracting when they were trying to watch TV.
"Fight fire with fire," he'd suggested when it first started and he'd turned the volume all the way up. It hadn't helped though and the neighbours had a firm advantage in the war of decibels.
Now they just left the room whenever it started and did something else. They were watching much less TV now and had become quite good at various in-garden and in-garage projects.
It was only a few years until the neighbours' teenage son would move out and take his wretched drum kit with him.
Wednesday 25 April 2018
Canals
They call them narrowboats and they're not lying. I can't stretch out across one without bending my legs slightly. My back and neck hurt too from the constant stooping below deck.
Who designed these things? A dwarf?
Still, once we get out on the open canals it's different, waves splashing everywhere and the boat is surely a blur of colour to those on land as we reach speeds in excess of 5 knots.
We're doing it again next year. I can't wait.
Who designed these things? A dwarf?
Still, once we get out on the open canals it's different, waves splashing everywhere and the boat is surely a blur of colour to those on land as we reach speeds in excess of 5 knots.
We're doing it again next year. I can't wait.
Monday 23 April 2018
The Painting
That painting on the wall. Its eyes follow you, you know. I know you don't believe me, but look as I walk across the room.
See? I'm right, aren't I?
It shouldn't come as a surprise really. Just look at that man with his monobrow and silent movie badguy moustache. If you looked up sinister in the dictionary you'd probably just find a picture of him there.
Wait a second, what's that?
Oh my God! There are holes in the painting where the eyes should be. Somebody has been watching us from behind that wall.
See? I'm right, aren't I?
It shouldn't come as a surprise really. Just look at that man with his monobrow and silent movie badguy moustache. If you looked up sinister in the dictionary you'd probably just find a picture of him there.
Wait a second, what's that?
Oh my God! There are holes in the painting where the eyes should be. Somebody has been watching us from behind that wall.
Sunday 22 April 2018
Payback
Omar, Ali and my father came out of the house. I had finished eating my apple and tossed the core to the floor.
Father began yelling at me, but I'd had enough. I'd heard this so many times before. I turned my back to the three men, just about the most disrespectful thing I could have done under the circumstances.
"You turn back around now," he yelled at me.
I did and they were silenced by the machete in my hand.
Now they would listen.
Father began yelling at me, but I'd had enough. I'd heard this so many times before. I turned my back to the three men, just about the most disrespectful thing I could have done under the circumstances.
"You turn back around now," he yelled at me.
I did and they were silenced by the machete in my hand.
Now they would listen.
Sunday 15 April 2018
Copenhagen
I'd won! The prize promised everything wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen had to offer. The Little Mermaid, The Tivoli Gardens, more art than you could shake a stick at. I was going to experience all of it. A weekend break with everything paid for. It promised to be great.
But what did it deliver?
The plane landed at a tiny airport in the middle of nowhere. A sign told me the place was unpronouncable and a man who sounded like he had a potato lodged in his throat met me from the plane. He put my case in the boot of a beaten-up car which was neither antique nor classic and drove me to the hotel.
The hotel turned out to be a shed in the man's garden. I was to sleep on a camping bed next to his lawnmower.
I left my bag unpacked and went exploring. It turned out to be a beautiful village some 75 miles from the capital. There wasn't a shop there and transport links to the city were non-existent.
It was the longest 48 hours of my life.
But what did it deliver?
The plane landed at a tiny airport in the middle of nowhere. A sign told me the place was unpronouncable and a man who sounded like he had a potato lodged in his throat met me from the plane. He put my case in the boot of a beaten-up car which was neither antique nor classic and drove me to the hotel.
The hotel turned out to be a shed in the man's garden. I was to sleep on a camping bed next to his lawnmower.
I left my bag unpacked and went exploring. It turned out to be a beautiful village some 75 miles from the capital. There wasn't a shop there and transport links to the city were non-existent.
It was the longest 48 hours of my life.
A Day at the Races
It had gone well. They'd turned up with £100 each and thanks to several lucky picks they still all had at least £100 each.
None of them knew anything about horse racing or form. They really didn't know their Ascots from their elbows. Instead they had a 'system'. The system involved a combination of names which amused them and the jockey's silks that were the most garish.
Almost all their winnings had evaporated, or been splashed up against a urinal, during the course of the afternoon and tomorrow they'd remember very little of the whole event.
The real winners though were the geniuses who had stuck Champagne d'Or labels over the existing labels of bottles of cheap fizz and knocked them out for £50 a go to people who were pretending to have class but fooling nobody.
None of them knew anything about horse racing or form. They really didn't know their Ascots from their elbows. Instead they had a 'system'. The system involved a combination of names which amused them and the jockey's silks that were the most garish.
Almost all their winnings had evaporated, or been splashed up against a urinal, during the course of the afternoon and tomorrow they'd remember very little of the whole event.
The real winners though were the geniuses who had stuck Champagne d'Or labels over the existing labels of bottles of cheap fizz and knocked them out for £50 a go to people who were pretending to have class but fooling nobody.
Friday 13 April 2018
Rabbit
It didn't matter that he was animated, he was as real as any other actor. In fact he was better. He never answered back, he did exactly as he was told and he did it all in just one take. He was the most talented actor on the set and his human counterparts resente this.
This is why a couple of cups of tea were taken to the guy who drew him and the guy who did his voice. Both of them noticed that the tea tasted funny, but drank it anyway.
As the two were taken away in ambulances - no sirens, it was too late for that - the other actors gave each other silent, knowing glances.
Who needed a talking rabbit anyway?
This is why a couple of cups of tea were taken to the guy who drew him and the guy who did his voice. Both of them noticed that the tea tasted funny, but drank it anyway.
As the two were taken away in ambulances - no sirens, it was too late for that - the other actors gave each other silent, knowing glances.
Who needed a talking rabbit anyway?
Thursday 12 April 2018
Fundraiser
Isn't religion funny? Where in the Bible does it say 'thou shalt hold a jumble sale on the third sabbath of every month'? Not in any version of it I've ever seen, but here we are again.
Unwanted tat and generously donated cakes that are like those from that advert years ago that would tip up a park bench or make ducks sink are on sale to all, at a much higher price than is reasonable.
Would God approve? Who knows, but they're trying to raise money to replace the roof on His house, so he'll probably be OK with it. But why had He chosen to strike it with lightning in the first place? Perhaps God likes concrete Victoria sponges?
Unwanted tat and generously donated cakes that are like those from that advert years ago that would tip up a park bench or make ducks sink are on sale to all, at a much higher price than is reasonable.
Would God approve? Who knows, but they're trying to raise money to replace the roof on His house, so he'll probably be OK with it. But why had He chosen to strike it with lightning in the first place? Perhaps God likes concrete Victoria sponges?
Wednesday 11 April 2018
Homework Excuse
I'd forgotten all about it. One minute you've got the whole week stretching out in front of you like a sea of opportunity and then all of a sudden it's the last minute. There's no in between phase - it's all the time in the world or none at all.
Now it's ten minutes until I need to go. 10 minutes. 600 seconds. A sixth of an hour. 1/144 of a day. 1/1008 of a week. And still I procrastinate by doing sums rather than the task at hand.
Now there's only five minutes to go. 300 seconds. 1/12 of an hour. Oh, you get the picture.
It would probably have been a lot easier if I'd done it sooner. But then would it? Unless there's a parallel universe where I actually did it and we can somehow examine the work, we'll never know.
Time's nearly up and I've still done nothing. Oh well, maybe I'll say the dog ate it or perhaps a more elaborate story about a sinkhole opening up outside my house and swallowing my work. Or perhaps a weird civilisation needed a sacrifice for one of their gods. Yes, that's it. Very believable. I haven't got my work because it was used to prevent an apocalypse.
Sorry.
Now it's ten minutes until I need to go. 10 minutes. 600 seconds. A sixth of an hour. 1/144 of a day. 1/1008 of a week. And still I procrastinate by doing sums rather than the task at hand.
Now there's only five minutes to go. 300 seconds. 1/12 of an hour. Oh, you get the picture.
It would probably have been a lot easier if I'd done it sooner. But then would it? Unless there's a parallel universe where I actually did it and we can somehow examine the work, we'll never know.
Time's nearly up and I've still done nothing. Oh well, maybe I'll say the dog ate it or perhaps a more elaborate story about a sinkhole opening up outside my house and swallowing my work. Or perhaps a weird civilisation needed a sacrifice for one of their gods. Yes, that's it. Very believable. I haven't got my work because it was used to prevent an apocalypse.
Sorry.
Tuesday 10 April 2018
Movies
To be honest, I'm sick of this. When did the so-called 'talent' start running things? I'm in charge here, not the actors and actresses. It's my film. I'm Werner de Wynter, for God's sake.
These 'stars' are full of themselves. They turn up late, or in the case of Chuck Withers, usually drunk.
We've got the horses ready and it's the middle of the day - the best time to film the big brawl scene outside the saloon.
Terri Tyrell is here waiting. At least she bothered to grace us with her presence, even though she's demanding something called a cappuccino, whatever the hell that is.
And yeah, I'm tired. I've got this film to finish or the big bosses aren't going to be happy. One of them even less so if he finds out what me and his wife were getting up to in a motel room with a bunch of celery until 4 this morning.
If that bastard Withers doesn't turn up in 5 minutes, I'm just going to call the whole damn thing off. There will be no Simply the West or any other third rate film for this studio. They can stick it up their High Chapparals.
These 'stars' are full of themselves. They turn up late, or in the case of Chuck Withers, usually drunk.
We've got the horses ready and it's the middle of the day - the best time to film the big brawl scene outside the saloon.
Terri Tyrell is here waiting. At least she bothered to grace us with her presence, even though she's demanding something called a cappuccino, whatever the hell that is.
And yeah, I'm tired. I've got this film to finish or the big bosses aren't going to be happy. One of them even less so if he finds out what me and his wife were getting up to in a motel room with a bunch of celery until 4 this morning.
If that bastard Withers doesn't turn up in 5 minutes, I'm just going to call the whole damn thing off. There will be no Simply the West or any other third rate film for this studio. They can stick it up their High Chapparals.
Monday 9 April 2018
It Could Be You
He sat in the doorway, wrapped in an old blanket.
"Got any change?" he mumbled as I passed.
"No, sorry," I replied and continued on my way.
A few steps later I remembered I did have something to give him.
"Here," I said, pulling a lottery ticket from my wallet and handing it to the man. "It's all I've got but you can have it."
He thanked me, but we both knew that the ticket wasn't going to get him any cans of Special Brew that night.
I passed the same spot a week later and the man wasn't there. I hoped he had won and got himself off the streets, although it was more likely the recent cold snap had taken care of that.
"Got any change?" he mumbled as I passed.
"No, sorry," I replied and continued on my way.
A few steps later I remembered I did have something to give him.
"Here," I said, pulling a lottery ticket from my wallet and handing it to the man. "It's all I've got but you can have it."
He thanked me, but we both knew that the ticket wasn't going to get him any cans of Special Brew that night.
I passed the same spot a week later and the man wasn't there. I hoped he had won and got himself off the streets, although it was more likely the recent cold snap had taken care of that.
Sunday 8 April 2018
The Door
The children approached, full of glee and sugar. This was the only house on the street that had made any effort for Halloween, so they were confident of a decent candy haul.
They knocked and the door creaked open slowly. They all gasped as a man who resembled Herman Muster appeared and stood there menacingly.
"Trick or treat," sang the children in unison.
The man stood stock still and didn't say a word.
After a minute of silence one of the children stepped forward.
"Mister? Are you OK?"
The man didn't budge.
"Come on, let's just go," suggested one of the children.
They turned and headed down the path towards the gate.
"No!" boomed the man.
The sky darkened and the temperature dropped. The children were all suddenly paralysed. The man's eyes glowed red. The children began to cry.
Two minutes passed and everything returned to normal - the temperature increased, the sky lightened, the man's eyes stopped glowing and the children were no longer paralysed.
The man smiled and reached behind the door for a huge bowl of sweet treats.
The children ran off before he could offer them anything and never went out on Halloween again.
They knocked and the door creaked open slowly. They all gasped as a man who resembled Herman Muster appeared and stood there menacingly.
"Trick or treat," sang the children in unison.
The man stood stock still and didn't say a word.
After a minute of silence one of the children stepped forward.
"Mister? Are you OK?"
The man didn't budge.
"Come on, let's just go," suggested one of the children.
They turned and headed down the path towards the gate.
"No!" boomed the man.
The sky darkened and the temperature dropped. The children were all suddenly paralysed. The man's eyes glowed red. The children began to cry.
Two minutes passed and everything returned to normal - the temperature increased, the sky lightened, the man's eyes stopped glowing and the children were no longer paralysed.
The man smiled and reached behind the door for a huge bowl of sweet treats.
The children ran off before he could offer them anything and never went out on Halloween again.
Surprise
There was a loud, insistent knock at the door and I ran down the stairs just in time to hear a van pulling away outside. Why did they never give you enough time?
I tore open the door, ready to scream all manner of obscenities at the departing driver, but something on the step caught my eye. It was a bunch of flowers, the kind of bunch I reckoned would burn a fairly substantial hole in 50 quid.
Who was sending me such an extravagant gift? I bent down to pick them up.
There was a small card attached to the flowers which would end the mystery. I picked it off and started to read.
It said: "We tried to deliver these flowers to you personally, but there was no one home."
I tore open the door, ready to scream all manner of obscenities at the departing driver, but something on the step caught my eye. It was a bunch of flowers, the kind of bunch I reckoned would burn a fairly substantial hole in 50 quid.
Who was sending me such an extravagant gift? I bent down to pick them up.
There was a small card attached to the flowers which would end the mystery. I picked it off and started to read.
It said: "We tried to deliver these flowers to you personally, but there was no one home."
Friday 6 April 2018
Holiday
It was nice to get away from it all. The hustle and bustle of the office was a million miles away. Actually it was scarcely 200 miles away, but it didn't feel it.
I was incommunicado. There was no mobile phone coverage and they hadn't even heard of wifi where I was. Nothing would disturb me.
After three days of pleasant country strolling I was bored. Imagine that. The first holiday I'd taken in almost two years and I was bored. Unbelievable.
I drove to the nearest proper town, about 20 miles away to find a bookshop. As I parked I felt my phone begin to vibrate. I'd stumbled across a pocket of coverage and all my messages were being received.
I took the phone from my pocket and saw that I had over 50 new text messages. All of them were from the office.
I wished I'd never gone on that stupid holiday.
I was incommunicado. There was no mobile phone coverage and they hadn't even heard of wifi where I was. Nothing would disturb me.
After three days of pleasant country strolling I was bored. Imagine that. The first holiday I'd taken in almost two years and I was bored. Unbelievable.
I drove to the nearest proper town, about 20 miles away to find a bookshop. As I parked I felt my phone begin to vibrate. I'd stumbled across a pocket of coverage and all my messages were being received.
I took the phone from my pocket and saw that I had over 50 new text messages. All of them were from the office.
I wished I'd never gone on that stupid holiday.
Thursday 5 April 2018
Sale
"We've made just over 30 quid," she said as she closed the lid of the small metal cashbox.
"Great," I replied.
It was great though, kind of. We'd made £30 getting rid of stuff we didn't want. One man's junk was another man's heavily discounted treasure and the amount of £1 sales on items which would normally cost £10 or more meant plenty of people had left with bargains.
"How much for the record player, mate?" a man who looked like he'd wrestle you for a pound asked.
"A fiver," I replied.
He walked away.
"Should've said 50p," said my wife.
"Great," I replied.
It was great though, kind of. We'd made £30 getting rid of stuff we didn't want. One man's junk was another man's heavily discounted treasure and the amount of £1 sales on items which would normally cost £10 or more meant plenty of people had left with bargains.
"How much for the record player, mate?" a man who looked like he'd wrestle you for a pound asked.
"A fiver," I replied.
He walked away.
"Should've said 50p," said my wife.
Wednesday 4 April 2018
Village
He'd walked for days across the desert. He was tired, hungry and thirty. He had begun hallucinating the previous afternoon when he'd seen first a pub and then an ice cream van. He wasn't fooled by them though - he knew you couldn't get a 99 anywhere in continental Africa. But the mind can sometimes play bizarre tricks on a person.
Now he saw the village.
At first he thought he was saved. Then he wondered why there was a village here, in the middle of the damned desert. It had to be a trick.
He continued towards it and it grew more real with every step.
As he arrived in the village he was aware that something was wrong. Sand had blown up against the houses and blocked doorways. Some of the windows were boarded up. It was evident that nobody lived her and hadn't done so for quite some time.
He looked towards the end of the village and saw the church. This building was in much better shape than the others.
The doors of the church flew open and a deep, unworldly bellow came from within.
Now he saw the village.
At first he thought he was saved. Then he wondered why there was a village here, in the middle of the damned desert. It had to be a trick.
He continued towards it and it grew more real with every step.
As he arrived in the village he was aware that something was wrong. Sand had blown up against the houses and blocked doorways. Some of the windows were boarded up. It was evident that nobody lived her and hadn't done so for quite some time.
He looked towards the end of the village and saw the church. This building was in much better shape than the others.
The doors of the church flew open and a deep, unworldly bellow came from within.
Tuesday 3 April 2018
Plans
The plans had been filed months ago and there was a tiny piece of paper attached to a nearby lamppost to inform only the most eagle-eyed of local residents about it. Everything was above board, but they still wanted to keep it as quiet as possible.
As the heavy machinery was brought down the road on day one, the workmen were greeted by a large group of locals, maybe around 200 of them, standing in front of the building that was to be demolished.
"Here we go," said the foreman.
He walked over to the group.
"What's going on here?"
"We're having a picnic. What does it look like?" a tall man sneered.
"You don't want us to knock the building down, is that it?"
The tall man clapped slowly and sarcastically.
The foreman sighed.
"Look, I'm just doing my job. We all are. I understand you don't want all this history to be destroyed, all the memories you've created in there wiped out, but..."
"We couldn't give a toss about that," said the tall man. "It's the two birds nesting in the roof we care about."
As the heavy machinery was brought down the road on day one, the workmen were greeted by a large group of locals, maybe around 200 of them, standing in front of the building that was to be demolished.
"Here we go," said the foreman.
He walked over to the group.
"What's going on here?"
"We're having a picnic. What does it look like?" a tall man sneered.
"You don't want us to knock the building down, is that it?"
The tall man clapped slowly and sarcastically.
The foreman sighed.
"Look, I'm just doing my job. We all are. I understand you don't want all this history to be destroyed, all the memories you've created in there wiped out, but..."
"We couldn't give a toss about that," said the tall man. "It's the two birds nesting in the roof we care about."
Monday 2 April 2018
Rock Star
He wanted to be a rockstar, but then which boy hadn't dreamed of that at some point?
He'd stand in his room in front of the mirror, not even holding the traditional tennis racquet, but favouring the air guitar for his miming practice. He knew all the proper lead guitarist stances and facial expressions and he was ready to step up to the next level.
He bought a cheap guitar and started to learn how to play. It just wouldn't happen for him though and he was destined to be more of a Van Driver than a Van Halen.
He'd stand in his room in front of the mirror, not even holding the traditional tennis racquet, but favouring the air guitar for his miming practice. He knew all the proper lead guitarist stances and facial expressions and he was ready to step up to the next level.
He bought a cheap guitar and started to learn how to play. It just wouldn't happen for him though and he was destined to be more of a Van Driver than a Van Halen.
Sunday 1 April 2018
If Only
I opened the oven. The pizza inside was still stone cold. If only I'd turned the oven on.
I put on my shoes and jacket and ventured out to that new takeaway that everyone was talking about. I ordered a pizza that would look nothing like the one in the photograph above the counter.
"That'll be £8, mate," said the teenager in the jaunty-angled baseball cap.
"£8 is quite expensive. It'd better be good!"
"If only you'd come yesterday when everything was half price."
I took out my wallet. It was empty. If only I'd remembered to stop at a cash machine on the way.
"If only we accepted card payments," laughed the teenager.
I left the takeaway and headed to the bank across the road. I was keying in my PIN when the explosion knocked me to the ground. I looked across the road and saw that the takeaway had been reduced to rubble.
If only they'd got that gas leak checked out.
I put on my shoes and jacket and ventured out to that new takeaway that everyone was talking about. I ordered a pizza that would look nothing like the one in the photograph above the counter.
"That'll be £8, mate," said the teenager in the jaunty-angled baseball cap.
"£8 is quite expensive. It'd better be good!"
"If only you'd come yesterday when everything was half price."
I took out my wallet. It was empty. If only I'd remembered to stop at a cash machine on the way.
"If only we accepted card payments," laughed the teenager.
I left the takeaway and headed to the bank across the road. I was keying in my PIN when the explosion knocked me to the ground. I looked across the road and saw that the takeaway had been reduced to rubble.
If only they'd got that gas leak checked out.
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