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Wednesday 31 January 2018

Sink Hole

He stood by the kitchen sink, washing his hands before starting to prepare his gourmet dinner of beans on toast.
There was a low rumbling sound and the kitchen began to shake.
"What the...?"
The lino peeled back and the floor opened up. The entire kitchen disappearing into an abyss-like hole, taking the man and the sink with it.


Tuesday 30 January 2018

Bike Ride

Every single time she rode her bike anywhere she was thankful she didn't get killed.
Cars would pull out or turn in right in front of her, forcing her to brake and swerve. Some motorists either didn't see her or didn't care and she'd been forced off the road many times.
But now the advantage would be in her favour.
She stood in her garage admiring the new bracket she'd attached to the bike's handlebars, a bracket upon which a gun could be mounted.


Late for Work

He left the house, slice of toast clamped between his teeth, and speed-walked up the garden path as he attempted to tie his tie with marmalade-splattered hands.
On to the pavement and he glanced at his watch. He was seven minutes later than normal, but he might still make the train.
As he passed the parade of shops he checked again. He was only five minutes late now. He was going to make it.
The tile from the roof of the newsagent's fell and hit him on the head, making him very late indeed.


Monday 29 January 2018

Drunken Midnight Snack

He tripped two stairs down and ended up performing an ad hoc routine of somersaults that would have impressed a panel of Olympic judges.
Sadly it was less impressive for the clothes airer at the bottom of the stairs, which was reduced to kindling upon contact.
He stood and staggered into the kitchen, completely uninjured and completely unaware of the burglar he was about to interrupt.


Sunday 28 January 2018

The Bear

He remembered the advice he'd been given: stand still if a bear approaches you.
Yes, but it was approaching at great speed.
He stood absolutely still as the beast bounded over the field towards him. It got closer and closer until he could smell its breath and look right into its eyes.
It was too close now for him to make a run for it.
He peed himself and closed his eyes, expecting to be mauled to death.
It felt like he'd been hit by a train. He opened his eyes and looked around him.
The bear was heading down towards  the village, the pie factory its likely destination.


Friday 26 January 2018

Dinosaurs Will Die

"What are you doing?" asked the brontosaurus.
The stegosaurus turned to look at it, a cigarette hanging from its mouth.
"I'm sawing the pipes off the back of this fridge. What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Don't you think that's bad for the environment?"
"The environment? Who gives a shit about that?"
The stegosaurus stopped sawing and grabbed a can of deodorant from the table. It sprayed under each arm.
"You're ridiculous," said the brontosaurus. "You just don't care about the consequences."
The brontosaurus left, passing the huge pile of burning tyres in the stegosaurus' garden. It got into its electric car, which was parked behind the stegosaurus' gas-guzzler, and drove away at speed.
The meteor drew closer.



Thursday 25 January 2018

Assembly

"Good morning, children," the headmaster announced from the front of the hall.
"Good morning, Mr Fraser," the children replied, in an eerie, united monotone.
The headmaster began talking about the week ahead and various school activities, but two rows from the back of the hall there was a situation developing.
"Have you farted?" whispered Dave.
"No!" whispered Barry.
There was an awful smell and it smelled like a fart. Everyone in that area of the hall looked around them, hoping to identify the guffing culprit.
They didn't notice their teacher who was sitting on a chair next to their row. He had passed away quite quietly during one of the hymns and had evacuated himself for everyone's olfactory pleasure.


Wednesday 24 January 2018

Never

The panel lit up like a Christmas tree.
"What are all these lights for?" asked one woman.
"I don't know, I've never seen any of them lit up before," replied the other.
They decided to consult the manual, but it was too late.
The doors were sealed, as was their fate.


Tuesday 23 January 2018

Friends Like These

"OK, I'll see you on Friday night."
"Yes, OK, goodb..."
The line went dead.
She put the phone down and sighed. Already she was dreading it.
Her friend only got in touch when she wanted something and the proposed night out meant she probably wanted all of her drinks bought for her.
She set about constructing an elaborate plan to fake her own death in order to get out of buying a bottle of Prosecco.


Monday 22 January 2018

Breakdown

The car wouldn't start.
It had started perfectly fine when he'd left the house and again after he'd filled petrol on the motorway.
He'd left the road like he should when his phone had started to ring and parked in a layby.
Fifteen minutes on the phone and he'd turned the engine off. Ten minutes later and here he was, sitting in a car that wouldn't start.
His phone was nearly dead and there was nobody around.
It was starting to get dark and he was resigned to having to sleep in the car.
Bright headlights blazed through his back windscreen. He was saved!
He got out of the car and was greeted by a man who was climbing out of a pick up truck behind him.
"Thank God you're here!"
"Do you want to do this over the bonnet or in the field?" the man asked as he loosened his belt.
"What?" He started to back away.
"Oh, come on. Everyone knows there's only one reason people park in this layby at night."


Snow

The boy opened his curtains. It had been snowing. He was so excited.
He dressed quickly and ran down the stairs. He pulled on his wellingtons and put on his big coat, woolly hat and mittens before opening the back door and running into the back garden.
He fell on to his back and made a snow angel, laughing all the while.
His parents were at the window, smiling at him.
The boy felt strange, as if he was burning.
He stood up and realised that the back of his clothes had all melted. His skin was following the same path.
His parents ran outside, scared of what was happening.
"Mummy, daddy," screamed the boy, "it hasn't snowed."


Sunday 21 January 2018

Fishing

He sat at the same spot by the river every Sunday, line in the water for effect.
He hated fishing and he'd invested hundreds of pounds in state-of-the-art equipment just as a smokescreen to sit and drink a carrier bag full of beers in peace and quiet.
He cracked open his third as something took his bait. The line moved around in a circle and the rod started to bend.
He took a sip of the warm beer and rolled his eyes at the potential catch.
The rod snapped and disappeared down the river. He watched open-mouthed as the one that got away caused him to spill half a can of lager.


Friday 19 January 2018

Blackjack

"Hit me."
"Sir, you have 19."
He looked at his cards and then the dealer.
"Yes, I know I've got 19. There's a 10 and a 9. Simple arithmetic tells me that adds up to 19. Are you trying to say I'm fucking stupid?"
Yes, thought the dealer.
"No, not at all, sir. It's just that players don't normally hit on 19. They prefer to stand."
"Well I like to live dangerously."
The dealer mentally groaned as he heard the phrase that only an arsehole would say. He'd already heard it five times this shift.
He reached beneath the table and produced a gun. He pointed it at the player.
"Is this dangerous enough for you?"
He fired one shot.


Thursday 18 January 2018

Laundry

She emptied the machine, counting the socks as she did so.
There was one missing. This always happened.
She felt around inside the machine. Nothing.
She stuck her head in to see if it was caught in the drum. She couldn't see anything.
Her foot slipped and she fell into the machine.
It was pitch black and she had the sensation of falling, falling, falling.
She landed in something soft with a light thud.
She took her phone from her pocket and found the flashlight app.
She shone it around her and saw that she was sitting on a mountain of thousands of socks.


The Text

Her phone beeped and she took it from her handbag.
The woman sitting at the opposite side of the table looked up and saw the other woman's face whiten as she read her text message.
She smiled as the train rumbled on, sending a text of her own to her boss to let her know that her message had been sent and had had the desired effect.

Tuesday 16 January 2018

Online

His parents were out. He knew the way to circumvent the pathetic internet protection they had installed without being caught and he intended to spend the afternoon watching masses of hardcore porn.
He logged on and found his favourite site. He pressed play on a film that if it wasn't illegal in most countries most definitely should have been.
The teddy bear on the shelf behind him whirred, the camera behind its eyes capture the boy's misdemeanours.


Monday 15 January 2018

Pinball Wizard

He liked to play pinball in the pub. It was mostly because it meant he didn't have to talk to or even make eye contact with other people while he enjoyed a pint.
The lights and sounds were soothing to him and it allowed him to tune out the meaningless sports-based chatter of the other patrons.
He pressed the left flipper and sent the ball way up to the back of the machine where it bounced back and forth, his score increasing and nearing his own personal record.
"Sorry, mate."
A man bumped into him, distracting him enough to lose his focus. The ball passed between the flippers. Game over.
He turned around and saw the man who was sorry walking away. He shot a bolt of lightning out of his fingertips and knocked him to the ground.
Nobody said a word as he fed another coin into the pinball machine.


Sunday 14 January 2018

Jogging

She put on her ridiculously big headphones, pulled open the door and ran down the street. She ran the same route every day and saw the same people each morning. It was like going for a jog on Groundhog Day.
As she turned the corner, a car mounted the pavement and crashed into the wall of the house she'd just passed. The driver was hurled through the windscreen and mashed into the bricks.
Thanks to the ridiculously big headphones she missed this and ran onwards.


Classified

PHONE THIS NUMBER!
That and eight digits was all that was in the classified ad in the local paper.
He picked up his phone and punched in the number. It started to ring at the other end.
"Yeah?"
The voice was deep and quite curt.
"I'm phoning about the ad."
"What about it?"
"That's kind of what I was going to ask you. What's it about?"
"I can't tell you."
The line went dead.


Saturday 13 January 2018

Nothing Happens

The old man sat watching the TV from his favourite armchair. He sat there for up to 18 hours a day, mostly watching the news channel and being annoyed.
It was the same stories every hour, but he had to keep watching in case something happened.
But nothing happened.
He turned off the TV just as a car crashed through the window of his living room, spraying splinters of windowframe and shards of glass all over his favourite armchair.


Thursday 11 January 2018

Walk part 2

He neared the coast as his timer read 4:46:52.
It was completely dark and he was starting to realise that he wasn't suitably attired for such a walk. Both feet were clearly badly blistered and he had developed a slight limp. The light jacket he was wearing wasn't exactly ideal for a spring evening either.
He clambered down to the beach and headed for the shore.
There was no hesitation. He walked out into the water.
Soon it was waist-high and further movement became difficult, but not impossible.
He continued until his feet no longer touched the bottom.
A long way behind him he was being reported missing.
He swam out to sea, his timer still marching onwards.


Wednesday 10 January 2018

True Romance

"Are we doing this, or not?" he asked her.
The man and woman looked at each other and smiled. They kissed passionately.
They pulled on their masks, drew their guns and enterered the newsagent's.


Tuesday 9 January 2018

Deathbed

He knew his time was up. In a hospital bed with all manner of tubes sticking out of him, machines beeping rapidly as he struggled to keep breathing.
He had one thing left to do, one last thing to say to his brother.
He raised his eyebrows at his brother, who came closer.
"What is it?"
"I've got something important to say to you," he gasped.
"What is it?"
"I never liked you."
The rapid beeping became one long tone.


Monday 8 January 2018

Walk

He walked home from work every day. It took 37 minutes on a good day and 43 on a bad one.
Today he was going to break the 40-minute mark, but it wasn't going to be a new PB.
He approached his flat at 38:50 and decided he should walk some more.
He continued up the street, across the field, over the ring-road bridge and past the industrial estate.
As it started to get dark he continued to walk. He wasn't tired yet.


Sunday 7 January 2018

Nap

It was light when he woke up as it had been when he fell asleep. It was strangely quiet for the time of day.
He got off the sofa and wandered over to the window. He wasn't prepared for what he saw.




Saturday 6 January 2018

The Train

"We are sorry to announce that the 07:33 to London will be delayed by approximately 1,095 minutes."
The passengers looked at each other in disbelief.
Almost every day there was a delay of some sort, but this was taking customer dissatisfaction to a whole new level.
Passengers left the platform, most of them glued to mobile phones as they apologised to employers and people they had arranged to meet. Plans were cancelled, meetings were rescheduled and tempers were stretched to breaking point.
People returned home or tried to find alternative and quite costly means of getting to their destinations.
Once the platform was clear a train arrived, unannounced, and then left with no new passengers on board.


The Receptionist

"NEXT!" the receptionist barked.
The woman edged sheepishly towards the desk.
"WHAT IS IT?"
"I...err..."
"SPIT IT OUT, I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!"
"Well...the thing is..."
"I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. NEXT!"
The woman stood and looked like she was about to cry.
"GET OUT OF THE WAY! NEXT!"
It was as if time stood still for the man who was next in the queue. He was unsure of what to do.
"COME ON, I SAID 'NEXT'. STEP FORWARD."
"No," said the man.
"WHAT?"
"This lady is next." He pointed at the woman who was now sobbing.
"SHE HAD HER CHANCE. YOU'RE NEXT. YOU'VE GOT 5 SECONDS AND THEN YOU WILL LOSE YOUR PLACE."
The man turned and walked out, as did everyone else in the waiting room, including the sobbing woman.
A door behind the desk opened and a doctor poked his head through the gap.
"Is my next patient here yet, Janice?"
"No, doctor. She hasn't turned up. She didn't phone to cancel either."
"Some people have no manners," he said and closed the door quietly.



Thursday 4 January 2018

Harp

That's unusual, he thought.
He took the Underground to work every single day and he had witnessed many buskers and odd street performers on his commute, but this was the first time he'd seen somebody playing a harp.
The woman playing it was wearing a very expensive dress and had the hair and makeup of someone who was attending a fancy dinner rather than playing a musical instrument in a small tunnel that smelt of piss.
The thing was, she was a terrible harpist. He couldn't tell what the piece of music was that was being played, but it sounded awful.
She stopped playing. The other commuters applauded enthusiastically and a lot of them threw money on to the jacket spread out next to her. There were banknotes as well as coins.
What do I know? he thought.


Navigation

"Are we nearly there?"
His companion took the compass from his pocket. The needle span around and around at great speed.
"Does that mean we've arrived?"
"No, it means my compass is fucked."


Tuesday 2 January 2018

Time for Change

EXACT MONEY ONLY
COINS ONLY
NO CARD PAYMENTS
Dawn sighed. She only had a ten pound note. A man approached.
"Excuse me. I don't suppose you can change a tenner, can you?"
"Sorry, no. There's a shop over there that will probably change it for you."
He pointed to the other side of the car park.
Dawn walked across and ended up having to buy a pack of chewing gum she didn't want because the assistant said the till couldn't be opened without a sale.
She left the shop just in time to see her car being towed away.


Monday 1 January 2018

The Job

"We need two volunteers."
Nobody moved. Only an idiot would volunteer for this job. They all stared at the ground.
"Come on. This is a great opportunity."
Silence.
They all stood dead still, fearing that the slightest movement would be interpreted as a signal of volunteering.
"Well this is disappointing. Perhaps you all need some time to think?"
The lights were turned out and the men left the room, locking them all in.


New

It was all different somehow. He couldn't put his finger on what it was, but he'd woken up with a sense that everything was better in some way.
He leapt out of bed, excited by the prospect of a new beginning, and tore open the curtains.
He was wrong. Everything was still the same.