The Apology

"I'm sorry."
"That didn't sound like you meant it."
"I'm sorry."
It was said in exactly the same way.
"Now you're just overdoing it."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not sure I can accept your apology."
He thought for a second.
"Well in that case I rescind my apology."
He walked away.

Game Changer

"We'll never manage it," he said.
"Of course we will," replied his friend.
"It can't be done."
The lightning struck and tilted the odds in their favour.

And Then It Went Black

It felt like a light breeze and built up into a gale fairly quickly. Just as quickly it returned to a breeze and then nothing.
There was a peculiar smell in the air.
It was all gone in seconds.

Tide

The tide was turning. It was on its way back into the cove.
He sat on the beach as water began to lap over his toes.
Fifteen minutes and it would be over.

Directions

"Do you know which way it is?"
His wife nodded straight ahead.
He drove straight ahead.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"You said 'straight ahead'."
"I never said anything."
"You nodded straight ahead."
"I did no such thing."
"I said 'do you know which way it is?' and you nodded."
"Yes, I nodded. I did that because I knew which way it was."
"So which way is it?"
"You should have turned right back there."

Darkness

"I can't see a thing."
It was totally dark. If you thought black was the darkest colour, then you'd never experienced this level of darkness. It made black look like a light Dulux shade.
He wandered slowly with his hands in front of him, feeling for a door which he hoped was somewhere in front of him. How big was this room anyway?
He heard a growl. It sounded like a dog, a very big dog, and it was just a few feet in front of him.

Coffee

They'd done it again. They'd spelt his name wrong.
David. D-A-V-I-D. How fucking difficult was it? This cup had something that looked like Dryfit written on it.
"Excuse me?"
"Yes?" replied the barista.
"You've spelt my name wrong."
"Is the coffee correct?"
The man took a taste. It was quite satisfying.
"Yes."
"Then what does it matter?"
The man was furious with this response.
He took the lid off his cup and threw the contents into the face of the smug barista.
"It hurts so much!" he screamed.
"What does it matter?" scoffed the man, turning to leave.

Band

"This next song goes out to all of those people who hate their job, their boss and their shitty little lives," yelled the singer into his microphone.
The crowd cheered, most of them being able to tick all three of these boxes.
A cacophony of power chords and drums enveloped those on the dance floor who were playfully bouncing into each other.
"Wait, wait," said the singer.
The music stopped.
"I hate my job, my boss and my shitty little life too."
He left the stage.

21

"Hit me," said the player.
The dealer dealt him a new card. It was a 2. That gave him a total of 7 on the table.
"Again."
"No," said the dealer.
"No? I've got 7 and I want another card."
"It's not allowed."
"Not allowed? What kind of casino is this?"
A man in a suit approached the table.
"Is everything alright, sir?"
"Not really. I have 7 and your dealer won't give me another card."
"That's unfortunate."
The man in the suit grabbed the player's head and jerked it quickly to one side, snapping his neck.

Drowning

"Help!"
She could just about see the pier as the fog rolled in over the sea in which she found herself and she was certain she could make out a couple of shadowy figures on there.
"Did you hear that?" said one of the women on the pier.
"Yeah, but what can we do?" replied her friend.
They both shrugged and continued walking.

The Villager

The men on horses galloped into the village.
"Everyone outside now!" shouted one of the riders.
Jack looked through the window and saw that the man was poised ready to fire a burning arrow at his house.
This couldn't happen.
He dropped to his knees and pulled the metal chest out from beneath his bed.
He unlocked the chest and opened it. It was there.
He took out the weapon which would easily win this fight and returned to the window.

The Chief

The chief arrived at the hotel. He was a fan of combining his culture with modern practices, so he wore a tailored suit and expensive Italian leather shoes as well as his headdress.
He approached the reception desk.
"Good morning, sir. How may I help you?" beamed the blond receptionist.
"I'd like to stay for two nights," said the chief.
"Do you have a reservation?"
A ball of tumbleweed blew across the tiled floor of the reception area.

Classified

For sale, oak coffin, used, some light blood staining on the inside of the lid, smells a bit. £50 ONO.

Ernest

"What do we know about the shoes?"
A hand went up. The teacher did a nod to the student, acknowledging him and demanding a response from him at the same time.
"They were for sale."
"Yes. And?"
"They'd not been worn."
"Why had they not been worn?"
Silence.
"Could it have been because the baby had died?"
A hand went up. The nod again.
"Maybe he bought the wrong size."
"No."
"No?"
"That's the wrong answer."
The students were baffled by this response. Since when did literature have a wrong answer? And in any case, most of them would have agreed, the story was shit anyway.

Syttende

Tenk at du måtte bruke et online oversettelsesverktøy for å finne ut hva som blir sagt i denne historien som egentlig bare ble skrevet for å feire Norges nasjonaldag, som er i dag.
Det er ingen ekte begynnelse eller avslutning til denne historien, og det føles sannsynligvis som om du har blitt lurt.
Gratulerer med dagen, Norge. Ta et glass akevitt og et stort kakestykke og husk at det var en gang

før verden var full av jævla rasshuller som bare vil ødelegge alt og alle.

Wrong Number

"Hi John."
"It's not John."
"Where is John?"
"I don't know anyone called John."
"Who is this?"
"Tell me who you are first."
"No, why should I?"
The line went dead.

Pizza

"I'd like to order a pizza please."
"Certainly. Which kind would you like?"
"One with no meat. I'm a vegetarian."
"We don't have any pizzas that don't have meat on them."
"What do you mean? Just make one without meat."
"Without meat? Not possible."
"Just put some tomato sauce on the base. Some onions, mushrooms, peppers and a bit of cheese. Easy."
"It would still have meat in it though."
"No it wouldn't."
"Yes it would."
"Are you some kind of idiot?"
"No, are you?"
"The pizza I just described has no meat on it, so clearly you are an idiot."
"Our bases are made from minced penguin, so they all contain meat."
"What does penguin taste like?"
"A bit like chicken."
"Interesting."

Toilet

He needed to pee.
He was at least ten minutes from his house and the nearest convenience he was aware of was fifteen minutes in the opposite direction.
It was broad daylight and there were too many people around and a general lack of alleyways which hindered any al fresco piss possibilities.
He quickened his pace to that of an Olympic speed walker.
Two minutes later he saw his house in the distance. He upped his speed to a light jog as he felt his spacehopper bladder strain.
He got to his front door and did that thing that someone who desperately needs to pee often does in such situations - he dropped his keys.
Fumbling around on the ground and fearing he would wet himself, he grabbed the keys. He quickly unlocked the door and entered.
Then he stood in the bathroom in front of his toilet for nearly five minutes, unable to urinate.

Garden

The lawn was covered in brown slugs.
She came out of the house with a large bucket of salt and began pouring it all over them.
"Take that, you ugly Iberian bastards," she shouted.
There was an ear-piercing sound from the lawn as 10,000 slugs all screamed at once.

Closed

He turned up and looked through the window at the dark shop. There was nobody inside and it was very obviously closed. He tried the door handle anyway. The door opened.
He walked in.
"Hello?" he called out
Suddenly he was blinded as the lights came on.
"We're closed," growled a man who had appeared behind the counter.
"I just want a carton of milk."
"We're closed."
"Yes, but I'm here now."
"Not for long."
The man reached beneath the counter and produced a length of pipe which he tapped against the palm of one hand.
"Please. I need milk."
The man with pipe walked out from behind the counter and headed towards him. He swung the pipe at the unwelcome customer's skull.

Danger

PATH CLOSED
It was impossible to miss the sign. He just didn't care.
He climbed over the fence and headed towards the steps.
Had he bothered to read the sign properly, he would have been aware that the shaky steps were the reason the path was closed.
Cracking wood, falling, falling, unconsciousness.
It was days before his lifeless body was found.

Fruit

"A bunch of bananas, please."
The greengrocer lifted possibly the blackest bunch of bananas she'd ever seen from the display and put them in a brown paper bag.
"Err, excuse me," she said.
"Yes?" replied the greengrocer.
"I don't want those."
"You asked for a bunch of bananas."
"Yes, but I don't want black ones."
"You don't get the choice."
The woman turned to exit the shop.
A burly bouncer stepped in front of her and blocked her escape. He arched an eyebrow.
The woman took out her purse and paid for the manky bananas.

No Time

"Have you finished yet?"
"No. There hasn't been time."
There really hadn't been time, what with all the other stuff.
He sighed. Excuses couldn't be tolerated.
A lone shot rang out.

Lunchtime

"I'm starving. Is it lunchtime yet?" the child asked.
It was barely 10am, just an hour since breakfast.
"It's two hours until lunchtime."
The child pulled a sulky face.
"Go in the kitchen and get a couple of biscuits to keep you going."
The child danced into the kitchen and returned with five packets of digestives.
"What are you doing?"
"Having some biscuits."
"Do you know how many a couple is?"
"Yes, but I don't care."
The child tilted his head back, mouth open ike a black hole, and inserted each packet of biscuits, wrappers and all.

Road Trip

They'd barely been on the road ten minutes when the voice came from the back seat: "Are we nearly there yet?"
She was sure they did this just to wind her up. And it worked.
"No!" she snapped.
"What about now?" asked the other child two minutes later.
"It takes at least two hours to get there!" she yelled.
Not five minutes passed before one of them asked again.
She didn't respond, but swung suddenly to the left and off the edge of a ravine instead.
That would teach them.

The Job

"Can you start on Monday?" the man asked.
"Yes, of course."
It was a job she didn't want, but at least it paid well.
Monday came and she turned up at the building and knocked on the door.
"Who are you?" asked the man who'd asked if she could start on Monday as he opened the door.
"I'm here for the job."
"What job?"
"The job you offered me last week. You asked me if I could start on Monday."
"There's no job."
She walked away.
The man's twin appeared at the door.
"Who was that?" he asked his brother.
"Nobody."

Text Message

"BE THERE AT 8," the message said.
It was from an unknown number.
He was intrigued. But where was 'there'?
He sent a message back: "WHERE?"
His phone vibrated almost immediately: "THE OLD MILL"
He looked at his watch. The old mill was a 10 minute walk from his house and it was already 7:45.
He put on his shoes and left the house.

The Mechanic

I wandered into the garage, where a mechanic was shaking his head. It wasn't going to be good news.
"What's wrong with it?" I asked.
"The thing and the wotsit have had it and the whatyamacallit is on its last legs. Couple all of this with the fact that the oojah is knackered and the price is through the roof."
I feared the worst.
"How much?"
"Thirty quid, including labour."

Who Am I?

"Hi."
"Who are you?"
They both looked at each other. They were identical.
"I'm you," said one.
"No, I'm me," said the other. "Who are you?"
He thought for a second.
"If I'm not you, then who am I?"
"Maybe I'm you instead?"
A third identical person arrived.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The three of them looked at each other as they saw a group of other identical people approaching. It was like an endless hall of mirrors nightmare.

Sat Nav

"TURN LEFT."
He knew he shouldn't turn left. Not yet, anyway.
"TURN LEFT."
Fuck it, he thought and turned left. Straight into an alleyway.
"RETURN TO HIGHLIGHTED ROUTE."
Bloody stupid machine. He stopped and reversed out of the alleyway, back on to the main road. He continued driving in the direction he had been driving.
"TURN LEFT."
He sighed and continued to drive.
"TURN LEFT."
He ignored it.
A large spike appeared from the sat nav and thrust into the man's throat. He screamed.
"TURN LEFT, MOTHERFUCKER."
He turned left.