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Wednesday 31 May 2017

Reset

They'd found it.
After an expedition lasting several months they had arrived at the right spot at the South Pole. Days of digging and scraping had ensued and there before them was something red trapped beneath the ice.
They cleared and cleaned carefully around it.
The leader nodded and the button was pressed.
It was the only way to save humanity.


Tuesday 30 May 2017

The River

The rain fell. It had been raining for sixteen days now without a break.
The river was close to bursting its banks and the newspapers were reporting it was at its highest level since the 1920s.
It had reached a critical condition and the army were being brought in.
Military vehicles arrived in the town and truckloads of couscous were dumped along both sides of the river.


No Choice

"Can I have a return to Birmingham, please?"
"What kind of ticket would you like?"
"Err, a return."
"No, do you want on-peak, off-peak or supersaver?"
"Which is the cheapest?"
"Supersaver."
"I'll have one of those then."
"They're not valid on Tuesdays."
"I'll have the off-peak then."
"It's only off-peak after 9:30."
"When does the train leave?"
"The train departs at 9:29."
"I'll take the next one then."
"The next one is tomorrow at 9:29."
"On-peak it is then."



Sunday 28 May 2017

Communication Breakdown

"He...o. Is tha.. ...rge?"
"Yes, this is George."
"Do y.. .ave the thing we ....ed for?"
"What thing?"
"You ..ow, the thing. I ca.. rea.. ta.. ..out it on ... pho.."
The line was terrible and he had no idea what was being said.
"This line is terrible," he said.
"Don. fu..... mess me abou.."
"What? I'm..."
"Listen. If y.. aren. here within .. ..nutes we will come fo. ..u."
The line went dead and he was none the wiser.


News

It was never good.
She sat watching the usual news and shook her head. What happened to the good stories? The humanitarian tales? The episodes of kindness? The items that warmed your heart?
Hell, even the "and finally" thing with surfboarding squirrels and the like had long since fallen by the wayside.
She reached down to the floor next to her armchair and grabbed the rifle. The TV exploded thanks to a shot right between the newsreader's eyes.


Saturday 27 May 2017

Seventeen

He'd heard there were days like this, but this was the first time he'd ever experienced one.


Thursday 25 May 2017

Kiilling Yourself to Live

The odds were in his favour, but he couldn't ride his luck forever.
He'd earned a lot of money playing Russian Roulette - he had no fear and he'd survived a hundred rounds or more.
"Do it with two bullets," the man said.
The odds became worse for him, but the money was going to increase by five times if he did it.
He did it.




Draught

"I'll have a pint of Bollock Twister, please."
Why did these ales all have to have such bizarre names?
"That's gone off, I'm afraid. What would you like instead?"
The man looked along the pumps. He'd never heard of any of them, but he was very open to new beer.
"I'll try Bum Fister, please."
"That's off too."
"Tuppence Licker?"
"Off."
"Wand Thwacker?"
"Off."
"What have you got then?"
"I can do you a pint of Get out of My Fucking Pub, You Bastard."
The landlord stood and stared at him menacingly.



Tuesday 23 May 2017

The Borrower

"Sorry, but you've reached your limit," the librarian told him.
"What do you mean?"
"It says here you've already got ten books."
"Yes, that's right."
"Well, ten is the limit."
"How is that fair?"
"It's plenty fair. Most libraries won't let you borrow that many at once."
"It's ridiculous. I've got ten books and you've got thousands. How is that fair in any way?"
The librarian had no answer. It wasn't the kind of question she had been trained to answer.
"I'm just going to take these."
The man picked up his pile of books and headed for the door.
He didn't notice the librarian running up behind him until she rugby tackled him and caused the books to drop in every which direction.


Monday 22 May 2017

See You in Hell

Saturday afternoon.
It was his turn to have the kids, which he usually quite enjoyed.
He'd let them decide where to go this week and they'd chosen the worst possible place.
He had served in the army in the 90s and had spent time in Bosnia, but he'd never witnessed carnage and atrocity on this scale before.
He vowed never to take them to the soft play area again.


Sunday 21 May 2017

Piano

There was always one person at his parties who thought they could play it.
The lid of the piano was lifted and someone stabbed out a basic melody with one finger while they looked at the others for adulation like they were Richard fucking Clayderman or something.
Tonight was no different. Drunken idiot versions of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and some current chart dirge had been "performed".
Once everyone had gone he sat down in front of his beloved piano and cracked his knuckles. He would show them all how it was done next time.
He began playing. It was something classical, but it sounded like it was being played by a tone deaf man with no hands.


Break

He was sprawled by the roadside. He couldn't move. It felt like everything was broken.
He could hear a motor and managed to move his head to see where the sound was coming from.
His motorbike was bent over a wall not fifty yards away, the engine still running.
The thought that he was wasting petrol annoyed him more than his broken body.


Saturday 20 May 2017

Strike

"That's it!"
Tools were downed and the workers marched outside. They weren't going to stand for this injustice and the union had been informed.
It would make the national news before the end of the day and there would be mass walkouts in a show of solidarity.
There was no way it was acceptable for the bosses to substitute the usual chocolate digestives with a cheap supermarket equivalent.


Thursday 18 May 2017

Mental Shock

"I'll ask you one more time."
He wasn't sure he could take one more shock. The wires that they'd attached to his head and chest were still making him tingle and shake from their previous efforts.
He didn't know the answer, but they wouldn't accept it.
The question was asked again, he failed to answer and the machine was fired up.
He lost consciousness and woke some time later in the dark, still in the chair and still wired up to the machine. He had no idea where he was and his mind was fuzzy.
A man entered, allowing a shaft of light into the room. A bucket of water was thrown over him.
"I'll ask you again."

Wednesday 17 May 2017

Chemically Altered

She'd done it!
Months of research and experiments and she'd successfully changed the chemical composition of the compound. It was going to make her famous, and not just science-famous either.
She left the lab to go and tell the others just as a huge explosion threw her into the wall on the other side of the corridor.
Maybe I haven't done it? she thought as she drifted towards unconsciousness in the now-burning building.


Tuesday 16 May 2017

The Art of Partying

It had reached the stage of the night when all the beer had been consumed and the group had thinned out. Only the hardest core remained as the cheap whisky was released from its prison beneath the kitchen sink.
Generous measures were poured and the drunkards became the drunkenest drunkards they had ever been.
A large canvass was laid out in the middle of the room in anticipation of what was to come.
Glass after glass was consumed before the first of them suddenly hurled over the canvass, setting off a chain reaction of calls for Huey.


Unleash the Bastards

"It's time," he said.
A whistle blew and the gates opened. The beasts ran out, growling and slavering.
The people ran as the beasts closed them down.
The man stood and rubbed his hands together from his vantage point in the tower as the peasants were torn apart.



Sunday 14 May 2017

Barman

He watched the two men at the little table by the dartboard. They were deep in quiet conversation as they sipped their pints of real ale.
They drained their glasses and left.
He wondered where they were going next as he stared out at the empty mid-afternoon pub.


Save

"Where has it gone?"
"Did you press save?"
"Of course I pressed save. But now it's gone."
He hadn't pressed save.
"How much have you lost?"
"A full afternoon's work."
He'd procrastinated so much that the full afternoon's work in question was the grand total of 278 words.
"I'm going to have to do it again now. It'll be a long night."
It wouldn't be.
He left at his usual time.


Friday 12 May 2017

Car Boot Sale

"How much?" asked the man.
She saw he was looking at an old figurine. It had seen better days, but she knew they were easily £20 new.
"£3," she said.
The man shook his head.
"I'll give you 50p."
She thought for a moment.
"The figurine is worth more than that!" she protested.
"You misunderstand me. I'm offering you 50p for everything."
She glanced along the table. There were easily 100 items there, all of which should sell for at least £1 each. On the other hand she was sick of standing around behind her car in a windy field. She thought for a few seconds.
"You've got a deal," she said.


Thursday 11 May 2017

Shirts

"Where is it?"
He was standing in front of the open wardrobe looking at his shirts. There were almost fifty in total, every one of them grey and completely identical in every single way.
"Where's what, dear?" his wife asked sleepily from the comfort of the bed.
"My shirt."
She sat upright, put on her glasses and turned to face him.
"You've got lots of shirts, dear."
"But my favourite one isn't there."
"They're all the same, dear."
"This one isn't, it's my favourite. It's got that thing in the seam across the shoulder."
He touched his shoulder to emphasise this, just in case his wife didn't know what a shoulder was.
"Oh you wouldn't understand anyway," he raged and exited the room.


Wednesday 10 May 2017

Early

This was the best time of day. He walked through the streets with the dogs and there was nothing but silence. Bliss.
The sun was starting to come up and he knew there wasn't long left.
He headed home hoping to avoid their awakening.
He quickened his pace and reached his house within minutes. Just as he slid his key into the lock he heard the first of them.
Safely inside, he realised he'd had a narrow escape as he saw them outside.


Repeat

"Why are you doing that?"
"Why are you doing that?"
The second boy's tone was mocking, as befitted this kind of childish game.
"Stop it."
"Stop it."
The first boy was becoming angry. He sighed.
The second boy sighed.
The first boy punched the second boy right on the end of his nose. The second boy collapsed, groaning. "Why?" he pleaded.
"I didn't say that!" raged the first boy and walked away.


Monday 8 May 2017

Catch

She was hungry.
There was money in her pocket, plenty of money. She just had to decide what kind of food she'd like.
She walked along the high street. There were golden arches and burger royalty. There was chicken sold by a man of dubious military rank. There were plastic sandwiches and pizzas and  donuts. None of it looked any good.
What had happened to food in this country?
She saw a fish and chip shop. Good old British cuisine. The shop even had one of those great pun names, like Cod Bless You or The Time, The Plaice.
That's the ticket, she thought and went in and ordered cod, chips, mushy peas and a bread roll/bun/bap/insert local variation here. It was served in paper, not newspaper any more, but it was the best way to eat. Who needed plates?
She ate her fried meal with a smile on her face and despite it's immense greasiness she was very satisfied. She placed the wrappers in a bin and headed home.
She only just made it through her front door before the floodgates opened, as it were, and she spent the next three hours in her bathroom wishing she'd eaten elsewhere.


Sunday 7 May 2017

The Return

"Where have you been?"
"I've been doing something really important."
"What's more important than this?"
They both looked at each other, knowing that both nothing and everything were more important than this.