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Saturday 31 March 2018

Last Train

Oh shit! It's there already!
Pausing for a second to check my watch was pointless, but I wanted to see if I was late. I wasn't. I sprinted up the steps to the bridge as the whistle blew.
"Wait!" I yelled, but it went unheard beneath the roar of the locomotive.
I ran across the bridge as the train slowly pulled away.
Down the steps on the other side I did my best exasperated face for an audience of none. I checked my watch again. I still wasn't late, but the dead-still second hand was mocking me.
The train gained speed and the guard waved from his window at the back, as if to say: "Hard luck, pal. You should've got here sooner."
I spied a man on the platform, the one who had blown the whistle.
"What time is the next one?" I asked.
"Next one?"
"You know, the one after this?"
"There isn't one."
"What do you mean there isn't one?"
There had to be another train that day.
"Is it in the morning?"
I wondered how much a last-minute hotel room was going to cost me.
The man shook his head. "No, that was the final one."
"What, ever?"
"They're closing the line. Didn't you know?"
I'd missed the last train.


Mike

I'm sick of this bloody ceiling. On my back at the top of this rickety old scaffolding to paint one tiny bit and then clambering back down to look up at my work. Back up again, back down again.
I wish I'd never agreed to it.
"You'll be famous," they said.
Well they can keep their fame. Sistine Chapel? It feels as if I've painted 17 already.


Thursday 29 March 2018

Lighthouse

The rain lashes down as I sit here watching the sea. The light flickers behind me and flashes around in an arc, casting my silhouette out into the fog.
I can just make out the ships as they head on their way to war, a war I don't agree with.
I wish them well and hope they all return safely, but I know they probably won't.
I'll just watch from up high and keep them safe along this part of the coast. It's all I can do.


Wednesday 28 March 2018

Muse

Is my muse a person? Is it a thing?
Is said person-thing or thing-person male or female?
Is the male or female person-thing or thing-person an ever-present voice? And what does its voice sound like?
Does the male or female person-thing or thing-person with an unknown voice communicate with me regularly? Does it send me messages like a spirit?
If I could answer any of this I would, but as it is the male or female person-thing or thing-person is probably sitting and watching me right now, pleased that his, her or its identity is safe.


Tuesday 27 March 2018

Record

Geoff had a sweet tooth and his new creation was a work of absolute genius.
500 packs of Extra Strong and some soft marzipan as a kind of glue - yes, it tastes funny, but you really ought to try it - and he was finished.
"Call the guys at the Guinness book," he shouted through to his long-suffering wife.
"What is it now dear?"
She entered the room and stood open-mouthed as she saw Geoff's huge grin behind the tower of mints that quite closely resembled that thing in Italy which doesn't stand up straight.


Monday 26 March 2018

The Horse

It rocked back and forth, back and forth. It lived quite a boring existence and longed to be free.
It shuffled this way and that and managed to remove first one hoof from the runner and then another. Finally all four were free from their wooden prisons.
The horse looked around.
If they think that's unusual, thought the horse, just wait until they see this.
And with that, it defecated on the floor of the nursery.


Sunday 25 March 2018

Tiger

It was feeding time and they were about to be ushered inside for an all-you-can-eat meat buffet.
As they entered the building, Dave the tiger fantasised about one day eating that keeper with the big moustache who always looked at him in that strange way.


Pillager

After hundreds of hours of toil, his longboat was complete.
The problem was he'd built it in his back garden and it would only be possible to get it out of there by lifting it over the house with a huge crane.
Mind you, there wasn't exactly an abundance of fjords to go cruising around in it in this part of Yorkshire.
He sat in his ship, waiting for a huge flood. He was Derek the Viking.


Saturday 24 March 2018

South of the Border

He was in the boot of the car, a blanket covering him in case they checked the vehicle at the border.
The car stopped and he could hear foreign voices outside.
His heart pounded as he heard the boot being opened.
There were two gunshots.
The boot was slammed shut and the driver's door closed. The car accelerated and he was thrown around in the darkness.
They were going to make it.


Friday 23 March 2018

Homing Onions

The produce section was fully stocked, the nightshift having done a sterling job to make it presentable for the early morning rush.
The shoppers filed in and began to fill their baskets and trolleys with assorted vegetables for their evening meals and pieces of fruit for daytime snacks.
"What on earth are those?" asked an old lady, pointing at the largest vegetables she'd ever seen.
"They're onions," answered the member of staff who stood nearby.
They certainly looked like onions, but they were the size of spacehoppers.
"It's a new breed," said the assistant, answering the woman's puzzled facial expression.
She lifted one of them into her trolley.
She arrived home and lifted the massive onion out of her bag and placed it on the kitchen worktop.
As she turned around to put away the rest of her shopping arms and legs sprouted out of the body of the giant onion. It jumped down from the counter and charged straight through the back door, leaving a giant onion-sized hole, before heading back to the supermarket.


Thursday 22 March 2018

Wrong Bus

"Town, please."
"I don't go to town," said the bus driver.
"Is this the 52?"
"Yes."
"The bus that runs from the trading estate to the town centre?"
"Yes."
"OK. Town, please."
"I told you I'm not going to town."
"It says 'Town Centre' on the front of the bus."
"And?"
"Well that implies you're going there."
"No it doesn't."
The not-quite-a-passenger-yet sighed.
"Where are you going then?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
The door closed and the driver put his foot to the floor, causing the man to lurch down the aisle of the vehicle as his mystery tour began.


Wednesday 21 March 2018

Live by the Code

He watched from across the street. He was pretending to read a newspaper whilst looking through some tiny binoculars from behind it, like a proper spy.
He saw the man punch in four digits on the keypad.
"7415. Bingo!" he muttered to himself.
He crossed the street, all the while looking around to see if he'd been spotted. He approached the keypad and entered the four digit code.
The keypad made a dissatisfied sound. He'd entered the wrong code.
Strange.
He tried again, slowly. 7. 4. 1. 5.
Wires burst from the keypad and wrapped tightly around his hand as some kind of gas sprayed out from between the numbers.
He was found slumped against the wall with his hand still attached to the keypad an hour later.


Tuesday 20 March 2018

Appointment

She looked in her diary.
"Dentist at 10," it told her.
Well there was no way she was going to make that now.
What else was there today?
"Meeting at 2."
Meeting? What meeting? She couldn't remember who it was with, so assumed it to be unimportant.
She pulled the duvet back over her head and let down her company, who lost the backing of the biggest potential investor they'd ever had.




Monday 19 March 2018

The One Where They All Die

"We come into this coffee shop every single day," said the one with the slicked back hair.
"Could we be drinking any more coffee?" quipped the funny one who wasn't funny.
All six of them sipped their drinks while the bleach-haired sexual predator leered at one of the women from behind the counter.
The meteor plunged straight through the roof of the building, ending any potential for the coffee shop scene to develop into a comedic situation.


Saturday 17 March 2018

Survival of the Fittest

She looked out of the window, wondering when it was going to happen.
After a couple of minutes the sky turned green.
She put on her mask and headed for the shelter in the basement.


Confession

"I did it."
"You did what?"
"You know, that thing?"
"What thing? I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Wait, is this 251651?"
"No, it's 251652."
He slammed down the receiver and redialled.


Monday 12 March 2018

Old Joke

"Look! We're about to find out once and for all!"
He pointed at the crossing. A chicken was standing there.
"You mean it's actually going to cross the road?"
Both boys were very excited as if they were somehow about to unlock the secret to the universe.
The cars stopped and the green man lit up with an accompanying beeping noise. The chicken slowly began to cross the road.
The boys didn't see the car mount the kerb until it was too late.


Sunday 11 March 2018

Alarm Clock

He had slept in once too often, the alarm on his phone being all too easy to turn off before he woke up properly.
A colleague recommended a new alarm clock to him.
"It guarantees that you'll never sleep in again," he had said.
He took it out of the box and placed it on his bedside table. It looked just like any other alarm clock, but he'd give it a go.
At 6am the alarm began to sound like a klaxon. He leaned over to switch it off. As soon as he touched it he got a shock, electricity coursing through his body.
The klaxon continued as he convulsed in the bed.


Saturday 10 March 2018

Crying

He had driven all night, just like Roy Orbison in that song.
This was where the similarity ended as The Big O clearly hadn't spent the small hours behind the wheel to do what he was about to do now.
He leaned over and opened the glove box. The gun was still in there.


Thursday 8 March 2018

The Traveller

"Have you ever been to Oxford?"
The man shook his head.
"You should go. Great things happen there."
He paused.
"Have you ever been to Brighton?"
The man shook his head once more.
"You should go. Great things happen there."
He paused again.
"Have you ever been to Chester?"
The man shook his head.
"You should go. Great things happen there."
He paused once more.
"Have you ever been to Tadcaster?"
The man shook his head again.
"Don't bother, it's fucking shit."


Wednesday 7 March 2018

HB

She sat and watched TV. Daytime was the worst. It was all quiz shows for the terminally stupid and pointless talkshows with idiotic guests.
She was intending for it to be on in the background while she did a bit of sketching, but the box had taken over. She was very disappointed by this.
She looked down at the pencil in her hand and with one swift move jammed it into her right eye.


Wind

The wind had never been anything like this before.
He was in bed listening to the house groan under its powerful blasts and wondering how much more it could take.
One almighty roar and the roof tore off and bounced across the fields behind his house.


Monday 5 March 2018

Lord and Saviour

He heard a knock at the door and was spying on them through the peephole.
"We can see you," announced one of the two women outside.
He spied a Watchtower in her hand and pressed the button next to the door.
The path disappeared and the ground swallowed them up.


Sunday 4 March 2018

Panic

Every single shelf in the supermarket was bare. There wasn't a thing left. Even those biscuits nobody liked were gone.
Why hadn't they just shut up shop when everything had sold out? There were at least 30 people in there, just milling around and browsing the nothing.
The doors were locked and the lights went out.
A scream.


Infamous Butcher

There was no one else in the shop but him and the butcher.
"What can I do you for?" asked the butcher in the way that he asked everyone.
"Hi. I'm a local journalist and we're writing an article about the recent snow. Have you had any trouble with deliveries or anything this week?"
"Come with me."
The butcher beckoned him behind the counter and into the back room.
On his way the journalist took his pad and pen from his inside jacket pocket.
As soon as he entered the back room the butcher slid a long knife right into his heart. The pen and pad dropped to the tiled floor.


Friday 2 March 2018

Going to the Movies

They stood in the lobby.
"Have you seen that film?"
"The one with him from that sitcom where he always says that catchphrase?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"Who else is in it?"
"That woman who's famous for that fashion thing."
"The one in Milan?"
"Yeah, that's the one."
"What's it about?"
"It's a romantic drama comedy thriller mockumentary."
"That doesn't even make sense."
"Should we just watch the other one then?"
"Which one's that?"
"The noir sci-fi period drama."
"Yeah, sounds good."


Thursday 1 March 2018

Recipe

She had all the ingredients for the cake that she'd found on that website she liked.
She looked down into the shopping basket to mentally check one last time before she headed to the checkout.
Milk, flour, eggs, baking powder, chocolate, arsenic.
The last ingredient was certainly unconventional, but the recipe had said it was essential for the task at hand.
She couldn't wait to see her husband's face when she told him after he'd eaten it.