Pub Games

The wooden blocks crashed to the floor again.

Some of the drinkers jumped in surprise, but the regulars didn't bat an eyelid between them.

The landlord smiled to himself as he stood at the end of the bar, putting more pressure on his creaking belt with a packet of pork scratchings. He'd spent a lot of money on the larger-than-life games for punters to amuse themselves with and his pub was fairly packed considering it was a Tuesday afternoon.

The Jumbo Jenga was the most popular and the most noisy. He didn't mind as long as it put money in his till.

“Oh my God! Help! Call an ambulance!” a woman shouted from the opposite side of the pub.

Her friend was sprawled on the floor with what looked like a javelin sticking out of her head pointing straight towards the ceiling.

The landlord sighed and knew that Kolossal Kerplunk would have to go.

Dutch Courage

She had rehearsed the speech a hundred times. She knew it inside out.

But now the time had come to deliver it she was a bag of nerves and she had convinced herself she couldn't remember any of it.

The flashcards might help, but the half pint of gin she had foolishly consumed for Dutch courage might not.

Why is it called Dutch courage? she wondered as she was led towards the stage.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,” she slurred ever so slightly.

The audience sat and waited for her to deliver the kind of profound stuff they'd seen in her newspaper column.

“Do any of you know why it's called Dutch courage?” She sounded a little tipsy.

There was silence.

“That wasn't a rhetorical question. I really want to know.” She sounded very drunk.

Mumbling came from the audience. This wasn't what they had paid good money for.

When Tragedy Befalls the Writer

The children crept into the abandoned house.
The floorboards creaked as they crept across the hallway. There was another noise too. It came from behind one of the doors. A squelching noise.
I don't feel so good. Pain in my chest. I think it's my heart. I d

Ill-prepared

He wasn't ready.
It wasn't like it was unexpected - he'd known about it for ages. It was just a combination of laziness and forgetfulness that had led to him now standing there, not ready in the least.
He couldn't admit this so he did the only thing he could do under the circumstances. He took a deep breath and winged it.

Overindulgence

The empty packaging that had belonged to an assortment of chocolate products, biscuits and cakes laid scattered across the living room carpet.
The man who was now almost completely spherical was in the middle of it all, groaning lightly. Food debris was smeared over his face and clothes.
He let out a gigantic, near-deafening fart and became ever so slightly less rotund.
He was a good 100 kilos above his fighting weight and he accepted that those days were long behind him now.
He slipped out another which squelched between his buttocks as he reached for the mince pies.

Hero

He could save the world if he wanted to, but he couldn't be arsed.
So instead it all went to hell while he sat and ate biscuits.

Holidays

He'd looked forward to the time off for weeks. At least he wouldn't have to deal with his boss' constant demands and he could relax.
An attempt at a lie-in on day one was ruined by the kids making noise at 6am. The noise would continue all day until bedtime.
Day two was much the same.
By day three he longed to be back at work.

Party

She felt quite stupid, standing there in her lobster outfit.
It was nigh on impossible to hold a plate of snacks and a glass of wine with the claws and there had been spillages galore already.
At least her reddening face matched the rest of the costume.
The others all wore expensive dresses and nice suits.
She had no idea that the term fancy dress could be so misconstrued.

Switch On

The crowd had gathered in front of the tree in the market place.
Some local radio DJ was playing chart music and belting out fake enthusiam to whip people into a frenzy ahead of the grand turning on of the lights.
Why does the flicking of a switch draw such a crowd?
It was ten minutes until the non-event of an event should occur. Someone with a tenuous link to the area who had once appeared in the background of an episode of Hollyoaks was going to do the honours.
The DJ counted down: "10, 9, 8..."
The clock on the bomb hidden inside the tree matched his countdown.

Bottles

He didn't know why he was doing it, but he knew that he had to do it.
He had taken the empty milk bottles from outside every house on his street and stacked them in a precarious-looking pyramid shape outside the shop.
It wasn't enough. He needed to get more.
He collected the bottles from the streets either side of his.
There were now almost 200 bottles in his structure.
His job was done.
He weaved home with his recently-acquired traffic cone.

Illness

The queue outside the doctors' surgery began to assemble every morning, around half an hour before they opened.
Four of the people in the queue were there for the same reason.
There was nothing wrong with any of them, but they were all hoping to trick their doctor into believing they had that elusive illness that could see them signed off work with full pay forever.

Vikings

The longboat crashed through the waves and on to the beach.
The warriors clambered out and ran inland.
They saw the town and stopped.
"There's nothing for us here," said one.
They turned and headed back to the ship.

147

All he had to do was pot the black.
He'd done it a million times before.
It was sitting right over the pocket and he would never get an easier shot at winning a tournament than this. And with a maximum break too.
He lined up the shot.
A man in the audience coughed.
He sliced the cue forward and tore the baize on the table, only lightly touching the cue ball. It rolled forward and touched the black ball.
The ball teetered over the edge of the pocket, but didn't sink.

Up and Atom

The chemist leaped out of his bed, lab coat already on.
He was a morning person, make no mistake.
He thought about molecules and particles as he drank his coffee.
He left the house with a real spring in his step, heading to the laboratory to use more of the grant money on stuff that was actually quite pointless but which he would be able to write a magnificent thesis about.

Distracted

The family were sitting by the river eating a picnic.
It was the perfect day for it and passers by were quite jealous of the spread that was laid out on the red tablecloth - if it's still a tablecloth when there's no table.
A nearby nest of wasps were quite interested in what was going on and several hundred of them went to investigate.
Two of the family were allergic to wasps and things were about to get even more...well, look at that, it's not every day you see five magpies together. How unusual.

Envelope

"It's pronounced 'en' at the start."
"No, it's pronounced 'on'. It's French."
"Potato, potato."
"What?"
"Potato, potato."
"You just said 'potato' twice."
"Only an idiot would say 'potahto'."
She wondered why in that case, he didn't say 'potahto'.

Job

It was only five minutes since she'd fallen asleep, wasn't it?
How was the alarm going off now?
It wasn't wrong though. It was time. Time to get up and spend 8 hours which felt like 12 doing something she hated.

Dare

"I dare you."
"OK."
He jumped off the bridge and into the river an easy hundred feet below.
His friend looked down, waiting for him to surface, but couldn't see anything. In a panic he fled and went home.
A body was found beneath another bridge fifteen miles downstream a week later.

Truth

"Have you ever stolen anything?"
"Only one thing, but it was a real humdinger."
"How so?"
"I was 15 and I was camping with some friends. It was cold in the tent and I wanted to go home in the middle of the night. I didn't want to cycle 20 miles and there were no buses so I needed an alternative form of transport."
"You stole a car?"
"No, I stole a combine harvester. Remember that time one was found abandoned in the rec?"

Monday

Oh shit, it's here again.

Filing

She had been moved to a windowless office that was full of piles and piles of documents.
"File them all," her bastard of a boss had said.
The papers were in no particular order and dated back several decades. Surely nobody knew what was there and what wasn't?
She started sneaking piles of them out with her and ditching them. She felt like a prisoner who was digging a tunnel and went into the exercise yard to get rid of handfuls of dirt from their pockets. Except she was mostly just chucking everything in the bin outside Tesco.
Every cigarette break, coffee break, lunch break, trip to the post office and quick run down to her car because she "had forgotten something", a new pile of documents was binned.
The filing took two weeks.

Cap

The man in the cap was watching them from the other side of the park.
They thought he was one of those paedos that their father had warned them about. They continued playing, but kept an eye on the man. He continued to look straight at them. He gave what sounded like a wolf whistle.
Creepy.
They decided to call the police. Clearly the man was a pervert and should be locked up.
The police arrived quickly, taking this kind of thing very seriously.
The man was shocked as he didn't see them coming. He was just standing and waiting for his guide dog to come back.

Germany

"I'm not going."
"Why not?"
"Because of the war."
"Which war? The one that ended over 70 years ago?"
When put like that it sounded a bit ridiculous.
"Ok then. Because of the football."
"That's just stupid. If you wouldn't go somewhere because you were beaten at football then there isn't a town in England we could go to."
"Alright then. What about all that carry on with the deckchairs?"
"You're crazy."
"I might be crazy, but I'm not going."

End

The sun rose for the last time.
The day nobody thought would come had come.
It was all over quickly for most and it only took five minutes to undo millions of years.

Labels

"What's in this tin?"
She looked over.
"It's either stewing steak or peach slices."
"How can you be certain?"
"I recognise the shape of the tin."
But didn't all tins have the same shape? She seemed confident about the contents of the label-less tins regardless.
"Open it. If it's meat we'll make a pie, if it's fruit we'll make a pie."
The tin was opened.
"I guess it's pie then."
"Meat or fruit?"
"Meat."
"Excellent."
45 minutes later they sat ready to tuck into a fresh pie that happened to contain dog food.

Où est-ce que je devrais mettre le fauteuil?

The removal men were busy. In and out of the building a million times.
They were mumbling away in a foreign language and were smoking in the hallway which wasn't allowed. Nobody wanted to confront them though.
At lunch time they produced bread and wine from their lunchboxes and sat on the grass, drinking and eating and of course smoking.
They sat for over an hour.
"Hey, I'm not paying you to sit around enjoying your bloody selves," the man shouted from the top floor window.
The three removal men just shrugged back at him.
"Je ne comprends pas, monsieur," one of them shouted back to him.
The man slammed the window shut.
"How long can we keep this up?" asked one of the removal men with a perfect Birmingham accent.

Hammer

Derek looked through the toolbox, but couldn't find the hammer.
Where was it?
He remembered using it the day before, but he was sure he'd put it back in its rightful place when he was finished.
Apparently not.
He sensed someone behind him in the garage.
It was too late to react as they brought the hammer down on his skull.

"No."
"No?"
"No."
He sighed. Maybe next time.

Surfing

The remote control was on its last legs. Or maybe it just needed new batteries. Again.
Either way it wasn't working properly any more. The button needed to be practically hammered to achieve the result that the lightest of touches once did.
He pressed and pressed, but nothing happened.
He glanced at the remote. The channel up button was worn out. Completely destroyed. It was the only one he used with any frequency.
That's it, he thought.
He threw the remote in the bin, put on his coat and shoes and left the house for the first time in three months.

Payday

He felt like a king, his pocket bulging with banknotes.
He stopped and paid a couple of bills and went to the supermarket. He would eat well tonight - no toast or ready meals.
When he got home his landlord was waiting for him.
"Rent's due."
He took the money from his pocket and peeled out what was due to the landlord.
When he got inside he opened his post. There were a couple more bills he needed to pay.
Quick arithmetic told him he now had just 73p to last the next 28 days.

Sheets

The bed needed changing.
It was a job that he hated. Doing it alone was too much of a chore which was why he had left it so long, but now it could be left no longer.
He huffed and puffed.
The woman in World of Sleep watched as the man struggled in through the front door with a fully-assembled bed under his arm.

Departure

"Wait."
It was in vain. She was gone.

575

I don't get haikus.
Or should that just be haiku?
What is the plural?

Romance

"I love you," he said.
There was no reply and he was quite hurt by it.
Still, it wasn't exactly surprising that the sentiment wasn't reciprocated vocally.
He winked at himself in the mirror.

Missing

The poster on the telegraph pole said the cat was missing.
Cats are never missing. Nobody is a cat's master.
What the person who believed themselves to be the cat's owner didn't know was that their cat had gone. For good.
It had parted its fur differently, got some fake travel documents and was now living in Brazil.

Day Off

She needed a day off. Needed was pushing it a little perhaps, but she felt almost worn out from the demands of work.
She would take a sick day.
She knew she was hopeless at lying and even more hopeless at doing a fake 'I'm really ill' voice.
She phoned her boss and decided to play it by ear.
"I won't be in today."
"Why not?"
"I've been involved in an accident and I'm having my leg amputated."
"Oh. Let me know what happens."
She put the phone down.
How was she going to get out of this?
She spent most of her day off looking for another job.

Cardigan

It was cold enough to wear his favourite cardigan.
He always felt good when he wore it. It was as if it somehow improved his life, like it was magic in some way.
Later in the bank there was an incident.
A man in a ski mask burst in waving a gun around, demanding his bag be stuffed full of non-sequential, high denomination notes.
Was someone going to be a hero?
No.
He raced out of the bank with the bag full of cash, got in his car and removed his ski mask.
The cardigan still felt good.

Cold Lake

The lake was popular during the summer.
Boaters, windsurfers and general messingabouters splashed around in every which direction.
Nobody swam in it after dark though.
Even in the middle of August it was too cold.
Ever since that young boy had disappeared nobody had swum there at night.
The beast deep below the surface was growing hungry again.

Zoo

"Oh my God!"
There were screams from many of those who were watching.
The child had fallen into the water and was being scooped out by a gorilla.
Those assembled watched in horror as the gorilla cuddled the child and ran across the enclosure.
"Daddy loves you," shouted his father - doubtlessly of no consolation whatsoever to the panicked child.
A man with a rifle arrived.
"Are you the chld's parents?" he asked.
"Yes," they both said simultaneously.
The man raised the rifle and shot them both between the eyes.

Toast

The bread sat in the toaster, warming and browning as he made a cup of coffee at the other end of the kitchen.
POP!
The toast flew out of the machine and he turned around hoping to see it having landed on his carefully-positioned plate.
There was nothing there.
He looked on the floor under the table , behind the bread bin and even on top of the cupboard. It was nowhere to be seen.

Pee

He had been dying for the toilet for at least two hours, but there had been nowhere to stop.
Now he'd reached the service station and he had to contend with the fact that it felt like someone had swapped his legs for those of a cripple as he staggered across the car park.
His bladder felt like a space hopper and he raced into the toilet, almost putting the wooden door straight through the badly-tiled wall as he entered.
He tore down his zip and stood ready.
He was ready.
Come on, I'm ready.
Nothing happened.
He felt like he might burst, but he couldn't pee.
He was still standing there five hours later when the attendant came in to tell him he was locking the toilet for the night.
He went back to his car, still ready to burst.

Directions

"Excuse me," the motorist shouted as he wound down his window, "is this the way to the place of historical interest?"
"Yes," replied the man on the path.
It wasn't.
The motorist drove away destined never to find it.

Hill

She lived at the top of the hill and could see every other house in the village from there.
Nobody could have any secrets as she watched them all through her telescope.
They knew they were being watched, but didn't care.
She didn't know she was being watched from even further away, a dossier being kept of her every move. They were metaphorically painting a target on her back and she was clueless.

Insurance

"Damn cold callers!" he yelled as he slammed down the phone.
It was the fourth time today.
The phone rang again almost immediately. He picked up the receiver.
"What?"
"We would like to offer you the deal of a lifetime."
"No thanks."
He couldn't move the phone. It was as if it were stuck to his ear. He was forced to listen to the whole spiel.
Surprisingly for him he found their deal to be indeed that of a lifetime and he signed up for it, not knowing that someone in the Channel Islands was draining his bank account as he spoke.

Save

He had typed for almost two hours. The story he had written in that time was arguably his greatest yet.
His laptop battery was running low, so he decided to save his work. He would resume writing back at the hotel.
He clicked on the save icon.
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DELETE THIS DOCUMENT? Y/N
What?
He clicked no.
DOCUMENT DELETED
"No!"
He looked in the deleted items folder. Nothing.
His story was gone. He would attempt to recreate it later, but it would never be anywhere near as good.

Hawk

The hawk soared above them.
They hid in the long grass thinking they'd outsmarted him.
How foolish.
They survived because he let them.
Tomorrow would be different.

Slugs

They were everywhere. The garden was like a sea of brown. It pulsated and moved in a sickening way.
He daren't go outside.
He poured petrol from the upstairs window over as much of the garden as he could reach. He lit a match and dropped it.
WOOF!
He was certain he could hear ten thousand slugs scream as they burned and filled the night air with a pungent stench.

Not Much Time

I hate being late, but sometimes it can't be avoided.
There's only seven minutes until it starts and I'm not ready.
Frantic doesn't even begin to describe it. I'll have to leave my jobs for afterwards, if I make it to afterwards.
The hatch is opening.
Now it begins.

Cell

He woke up with a pounding head.
The room he was in was unfamiliar. He was stretched out on a very thin, uncomfortable single bed.
He felt like he wanted to vomit. It was handy there was a toilet and basin in the corner of the room. He took advantage of this.
He was brought breakfast which he also found difficult to keep down.
How had he ended up there? What had he done?
He was never drinking again.

Weapons

He was looking for his Christmas presents as he did every year.
His parents must have been on to him as they changed the hiding place every year, but now he'd found an interesting box. Interesting in that it was quite heavy and presumably contained a massive present for him.
It was on the top shelf of his father's wardrobe, hidden behind a pile of polo shirts and a couple of jumpers he never wore.
He placed it on the floor and opened it.
It was full of guns. There were seven in total. He took them all out and lined them up on the carpet.
He picked one up and pointed it at the mirror.
"Bang, bang!" he said and laughed.
He put it and the others back in the box, returned it to its wardrobe hiding place and resumed his Christmas gift hunt.

Board

Not a 6, 8 or 9, he pleaded inside his head as he shook the dice.
He threw them over the board and wasn't surprised to see a 4 and a 2 . He knew that 6 was statistically quite likely, but that didn't sweeten what was about to happen.
He picked up the metal car and tapped the squares from Just Visiting.
"Marlborough Street!" his brother announced with great enthusiasm. "With a hotel!"
This was going to break him and the game would be over.
The excitement was too much for his brother who wet himself and returned to looking out of the window.
The game remained uncompleted for another hour while his brother was spoonfed soup by one of the carers.

Wrong

How could this happen?
They could demand a recount, but it was no use. The margin of victory was too great.
They were all shell-shocked.
The wrong person won and now they must live with the consequences.
He was going to ruin everything they'd worked so hard to build.
The good times were over.

Celebrity

"Who's that woman with the huge arse?"
"Are you talking about her behind or the man with her?"
"We'll say the behind."
"She's Kim Kardashian."
"And what's a Kim Kardashian?"
"She's famous for being rich and famous."
"That makes no sense."
"That's how it is these days, Grandpa."
"Bloody stupid."
"The man with her is Kanye West. He's her husband."
"He's got a stupid name."
"He's a rapper."
"One of those people who talk over someone else's music?"
"Err, yes, I guess so. He's very popular."
He tore the magazine out of her hands and tossed it across the room.
"All pointless," he raged.

Phones

She had forgotten her charger and now she sat on the train, her phone screaming at her that its battery was critically low.
Critically low?
Nobody was going to die or anything.
To her it was much worse than that.
It counted down its life in percentages.
5%, 4%, 3%, 2%, 1%.
The screen went black.
She felt overwhelmed by sadness. She slipped the phone into her handbag and looked at the real world for once.

Death

The funeral home was quiet. Unseasonably quiet. They hadn't had a stiff through the doors in over a week.
A new big-chain post-life solutions provider - that's what they called themselves - had opened on the other side of town and it was taking away all their business.
"What are we going to do?" asked his son.
"I don't know, it's killing us."
They both laughed although neither found the situation funny.

Travellers

Nobody saw them arrive as it happened during the night, but when everyone got up the next day there were four caravans on the green next to the church.
Locals were up in arms. Nobody wanted them there. Why weren't the council doing anything? There was going to be litter and excrement everywhere.
Letters were written to their local MP.
The travellers went about their day and ignored the shouts of "pikey" and "gypo" that came from the hateful residents.
Just as suddenly they were gone.
No rubbish had been left and there was no sign that they'd ever been there.
Apart from a package on the steps of the village hall. A card thanking them for their generosity in allowing them to stay there (very tongue in cheek) and a cake (homemade, very good, but nobody dared to eat any).
"I'm glad they're gone. Bastards," said one man.

Memory

"Whose round is it?" asked Don.
They were into double figures and it was starting to get foggy.
"I think it's mine," said Ray.
"I thought it was mine."
"You got them in that last place."
He hadn't.
"But you bought two in a row before that."
Not true either.
"Should we just get our own?" Ray suggested.
"Ok," Don replied, knowing that it went totally against the ethos of the rounds system they had always employed and that it would doubtlessly ruin their friendship.

Curry

"I'll just have something mild," she mused as she perused the menu.
She had a peculiar definition of mild as what she eventually ordered had three chili peppers next to it on the menu.
Nobody mentioned this.
When it arrived everyone waited for her to react in a negative way to the strength.
The waiter came and did the obligatory is-everything-ok? dance.
"No, it's not. I ordered what I thought was a mild curry..."
Now it was all going to kick off. The waiter arched an eyebrow.
"...but this is too mild. Have your chef put more spice in it."
The plate was whisked away and returned minutes later, stronger than before.
"Oh my God!" she declared as she took her first taste, her face reddening in cartoon fashion.
The waiter walked away, smiling to himself.

Lollipops

He had helped kids cross the road outside the school safely for years. Two generations of some families had got to school in one piece thanks to him.
He always smiled at the children and their parents. He was known to whistle and sing too - one of those truly happy in their work.
And now he was suspended.
All because some idiot motorist who'd had to wait a few seconds longer than he deemed necessary had posted that thing on Facebook alleging he had done things with a kid once.
It wasn't true at all, but it had to be investigated.
His computer had been taken away by police and he felt dirty.
He knew that even once his name was cleared that the whole thing would follow him around like a bad smell for the rest of his life.
Why are people such bastards? he thought.

Bored

Why was there never anything to do?
Life in this town sucked.
All his friends were away and he had nobody to talk to.
And now he found himself in a derelict house with a can of petrol and a book of matches.

Dogwalkers

He knew of the dog owner rules when he bought his puppy.
When he saw another dogwalker in the park while he was walking his, he had to acknowledge them from afar like they were both owners of the same make of classic car meeting on a country lane and sharing a moment.
He knew that if he saw a fellow dogwalker walking their dog when he wasn't that he still had to greet them, but in a more casual way.
And he knew if he met a fellow dogwalker, but neither of them had their dogs with them that they were to ignore each other completely.
The politics were complicated.

Pumpkins

She scooped out the inside and then started to carve a scary face into it, all the while reminding herself to be careful with the sharp knife.
She was pleased with her work and she hoped her son would be too.
As she made a cup of coffee she looked over to the table where the pumpkin lantern stood.
Had it moved?
No, of course not.
She rinsed out her cup and saw something move in the reflection of the window. She turned around and saw the pumpkin was on the floor, midway between her and the table.
While she was distracted she was unaware of the fifty pumpkins assembling in the garden.
There was a thump against the back door.

Motoring

The car wouldn't start. Twenty one attempts. That was a sign that it was fucked.
He would have to get a lift in and call the garage from work. What an inconvenience. He put the keys on top of the right rear tyre.
He called the garage and told them his problem and where the keys were. They'd take care of everything, the mechanic told him.
He received a call fifteen minutes later.
The keys weren't there. Nor was the car.

The Racist

"No Blacks allowed," said the man on the door.
"What?"
"You heard."
"It's 2016, you can't talk like that."
"Well I just did. No Blacks allowed."
He jabbed the man in the chest to force home his point.
"Come on," said the man to his friends. "We'll go somewhere else."
The doorman grinned. He wasn't interested in rugby, but he hated people from New Zealand.

Serenity

She had come away for the weekend to the spa. Mostly it was for pampering and relaxation, but getting away from her sister's wedding plans was also a bonus.
She returned to her room after a day of massages and yoga, feeling the most serene she had felt in ages.
Lying on the bed with her book, she suddenly became aware of a dripping sound from the en suite. The tap must be on.
She went to investigate. The tap was indeed dripping. She tightened it and went back to the bed.
The dripping continued.
She tried to shut out the noise, but it was no good. She was unable to concentrate on her book and she was unable to sleep properly that night.
The following morning having managed around forty five minutes of fragmented sleep she checked out of the spa, exhausted and with a tight, stressed feeling in her shoulders.

Hedge

It wasn't straight.
After an hour of trimming the hedge was visibly higher at one end than the other.
He started to trim the offending parts and stepped back to admire his work.
Now the previously high end was too low. He trimmed a little more to even it out.
This went on for some time until he was finally satisfied that it was level.
His wife returned an hour later.
"What have you done to the hedge?" she asked him.
"Do you like it?"
"It's a bit low."
"Well it took me a while to get it properly level."
She glanced out of the window at a hedge that was incredibly level, but was now barely two inches from the ground.

Bus Stop

Three had gone in the opposite direction while he had been waiting, but none returned.
He was running late. He'd been standing there for almost twenty five minutes and the timetable had been rendered useless.
He set off walking.
As he got midway between two stops, a bus drove past, mocking him.
"Why?" he yelled, shaking his fist at the vehicle.
Another drove past and then another.
He tore up his bus pass and decided he would buy a car.

Door

"Don't open that door!"
It was like a red rag to a bull. He grabbed the handle and pulled it.
"No!"
The screeching sound from behind it made him wish he had no ears. The door began to open and the noise grew louder. It couldn't be pushed shut again.
The other man said something, but he couldn't hear.
"What?"
The beast in the room awoke.

Pointless Pachyderms

John entered the mansion that had belonged to his very distant family member.
It was his now, him being the closest living relative to the rich hermit.
The hallway was massive. There were paintings all over the walls and the huge staircase housed statues and plants.
He knew he was now worth a fortune. He also knew that he'd probably sell most of the rich man's tat.
John opened the first door he came to. It was billed as the drawing room.
As soon as he stepped inside he didn't think much drawing had been done in it. There simply wasn't room.
There were two stuffed elephants occupying the entire space.
How did he get them in here? John thought, as he looked at the two small windows on the far wall.

Witnesses

John answered the door.
"Yes?"
He could see who the two women were and he decided to be as hostile as possible towards them.
"Good morning, sir. Have you a minute to talk about..."
"No!"
"But what about..."
"No!"
"Isn't God gr..."
"No, he's not. Piss off."
He went to slam the door, but one of the women blocked it with her foot. She stepped into the house and grabbed John around his neck.
"Now listen here, punk. We've come to talk to you about God and you're going to bloody well listen."
A frightened John invited them in and put the kettle on.

Yo, Where The Gs At?

Eric loved hip hop. Despite the fact that he was from a white middle class background he felt it really spoke to him.
He wore baseball caps at jaunty angles. He wore American sports jerseys belonging to teams he'd never heard of. He wore his jeans uncomfortably low. He wore lots of jewellery, like he was a walking display cabinet from Ratner's.
Now he was thinking of getting one of those grills for his teeth.
"Are you sure dear?" his mother asked when he told her what he wanted.
"Fo' shizzle, bitch," he replied.
She slapped him so hard across the face that he saw stars.
He never got the grill.

Preacher

"God will forgive you though, sinner. It's not too late to save yourself."
How had he ended up watching this rubbish? The Religion Channel wasn't one of his favourites, that was for sure, but here he sat, glued to it.
"All you need is this." The TV evangelist held up a bible. "And this." He held up a credit card.
The man watching chuckled.
"Just £500 buys you a place in heaven. Hurry as this one-time offer won't last long."
He picked up the phone and dialled the number on the screen.
"Heaven Awaits. How can I help you?" a voice at the other end asked.
"Oh, hello. I'd like to buy my place in heaven please."
He gave his credit card details as instructed.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"No that's it thanks. I'm in now."
He took his gun from the table next to his chair and blew his brains up the sideboard.

Lunch

An all-you-can-eat buffet was his choice. It was just as well he had no afternoon plans because he'd eaten 19 slices of pizza already.
He'd eschewed the salad bar and gone straight for the good stuff. Now he regretted eating so much. Not that that was going to stop him having another couple of slices.
He circled the buffet, plate in hand.
His stomach began to gurgle. He thought nothing of it.
Just as he placed a piece of meat feast next to his Hawaiian, he let out a long fart.
It went on and on and wouldn't stop.
Diners looked at him in disgust.
Thirty seconds into the mammoth guff it went from bad to worse as he filled his underpants with dogs' eggs and collapsed, the plate crashing to the floor.

The Truth

"We've got some important news for you."
The girl sat opposite her mother and father at the kitchen table. She hated these family meetings. She chewed gum and looked as far from interested as it's possible to look.
"Ellie, listen to your mother."
She looked at her mother.
"What?" although the t wasn't really pronounced.
Her mother looked like she was about to cry.
"Ellie, I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this..."
She sobbed uncontrollably. Her husband squeezed her hand.
"What we're trying to say," her father continued, "is that you're adopted."
Ellie thought for a second.
"Fuck you both," she said.
Ellie stood and left the table and then the house and then the couple's lives.

Time

"What time is it?"
"Time you got a watch! Hurr! Hurr!"
He turned and walked into the road, not seeing the truck.
Suddenly things weren't so funny.

Investments

He clicked the button and watched the screen. The transaction had gone through.
Now he needed to just sit and wait. If all went according to plan he would gain back most of the £250,000 he'd lost yesterday. Nobody knew about that yet and he hoped it would stay that way.
He went and had lunch, resisting the urge to check the latest prices.
When he was back at his desk he felt sick as he looked at the screen. The market he'd invested in had all but collapsed in his absence.
He had lost the company close to a million in two days. This would be the end for him.
He threw up a huge stream of Chinese food all over his desk.

Cards

"Hit me," he said.
The dealer cast a card expertly over the table.
It was a 7 which meant he had bust.
He stood and left the table silently.
That was it. He had burned his way through an entire month's salary in under four hours. He felt sick.
Just as he reached the door he spied a coin on the floor. He bent and picked it up. A pound, that was now all he had to his name.
"Sod it," he said and put it into the slot of the the nearest fruit machine.
Jackpot!
£500!
And then again straight away. Maybe it was his lucky day!
He converted the cash into chips and lost it all in three hours.

#hashtag

His phone pinged. It was another message from his mother.
Ever since she'd got that new smartphone she was texting him 100 times a day.
"I get free text messges," she had told him.
He was aware of that, but she didn't have to use them all on him.
The texts were bad enough, but she was following him on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Vine and everywhere else he had ever registered. He felt like he was being stalked.
He looked at the message.
"Dad is seriously ill. His cancer is back. ROFL."
The news was awful, as was her command of text speak.

Angel

He awoke suddenly and saw something out of the corner of his eye. He looked towards the window.
There, outside, stood a woman dressed in white.
How was she managing to do that? Was she floating?
She beckoned him towards her. He got out of bed, powerless to stop himself.
As he approached the window she disappeared. At that moment the ceiling above his bed crashed down and the water tank from the attic dropped to the bed, reducing its frame to matchsticks.

Bonus

She woke up feeling like she'd slept for about fifteen minutes. Ever.
It was the millionth night in a row of poor sleep and it was beginning to be beyond a joke.
A coffee would perk her up and ensure she would be able to function like a human for the rest of the day.
She made a cup and took a sip. It wasn't going to be enough.
Opening the cupboard she saw the jar of instant coffee It was still about two thirds full.
She boiled the kettle and poured the water into the jar.
The whole thing was consumed in two minutes.
Now she was ready.

Insane

He sat in the corner of the padded room. He looked like he was hugging himself thanks to the long-sleeved jacket they had put him in. He would have laughed at the absurdity if it wasn't for the fact that he shouldn't have been there.
Everyone thinks that, but in his case it was true.
He wasn't insane. He kept telling them this, but they wouldn't listen.
The door opened and in walked the talking lion.

All? No, All

He wanted everything. Literally everything.
Nothing was ever right when he got it though. Everything he got was either not how he wanted it to be or it didn't work properly. Things ultimately ended up being returned.
He would never have it all at this rate.

Block

He wondered for hours what the story should be about, but came up with nothing.
Eventually he admitted defeat and closed the lid of his laptop. It was only distracting him from looking out of the window anyway.

Sports

He sat in his living room. Two televisions and a laptop displayed pictures from different sporting events. The headphones he was wearing provided commentary from another.
He sat in his comfy chair and scooped huge handfuls of crisps into his slobbering mouth as he kept up to date with the latest happenings.
He loved sport. All sport.
He was at the fattest and unhealthiest he'd ever been. He could barely walk to the kitchen and back without getting out of breath these days, let alone play sport any more.
The irony was lost on him.

Angry Man

He sat watching TV as his son screeched his cars across the carpet.
The builders next door could be heard and he turned the volume up a couple of notches.
He couldn't concentrate due to the loud conversation taking place outside. He didn't like the use of colourful language around his son and he heard a couple of words from the banned list.
He leapt from his chair and marched over to the window, tearing it open.
"HEY!"
The builders looked at him.
"What?" said one.
"WE CAN HEAR YOU IN HERE."
"So? We're having a conversation."
"MY SON IS IN HERE. HE'S ONLY 6."
"And? Do you want some sort of bloody medal?"
"I WANT YOU TO USE LESS OF THE FOUL LANGUAGE."
"We aren't using any foul language."
"I'VE HEARD PLENTY, THANK YOU. TRY USING FEWER FUCKS AND CUNTS."
He slammed the window shut
"Piss off," the builder muttered.

Campsite

It had started quite well. The tent was erected and he curled up in his sleeping bag.
The wind woke him up and then the rain came. It was about 2am.
Both increased in their ferocity and the tent rattled around. The pegs were pulled out of the ground. He tried to fix it, but to no avail.
By 4am he was in his car, wide awake and drenched. The tent was a hundred fields or more away.
He was done with camping.

Golf

The ball sailed through the air and landed on the green, bouncing four times and coming to rest inches from the hole.
There was raucous cheering and more polite applause.
He felt good. He was playing the round of his life.
He arrived at the green knowing that a simple putt would see him end on 7 under par, his greatest ever on this course.
He stood ready to tap the ball in, unaware of the falling debris from the space station that was heading straight for him which would spoil his moment of glory by taking his life.

Phone

He sat staring at his phone, willing it to ring.
Four o'clock was the promise and it was now quarter past.
It couldn't be good news in that case. It mustn't have gone as they'd expected.
He'd packed his bag just in case it all went awry and he thought that he should really get going sooner rather than later.
He headed down the stairs to his car, climbed in and threw the bag on to the passenger seat.
His phone rang.

Roofs

The view over the town from up here is amazing. I can see the rooftops stretching in all directions. It's given me a whole different perspective. I can see for miles.
The guy two streets away obviously had the same idea as me. He's sitting on his roof too.
I wave at him, but he doesn't see me.
I watch as he swan dives into the street below.

Sick Bed

I've been in this bed for days and I still don't feel any better.
I'm starting to think I'll never be well again.
This might be it.
The end could be in sight.
I need to prepare my will and write down my funeral wishes.
Or it might just be a cold.

Dogs

All day they sat and looked out of the window waiting for him to return.
Here he comes!
The key entered the lock and their tails wagged.
He came in, muttered something in his strange language to them and poured food into their bowls.
They ate, he took them to the park and then the room went dark.
Hours and hours and hours until their next human contact.
He arrived in the morning, he took them to the park, he left.
All day...

There Ain't No Pleasin' You

"You're doing it bloody wrong!"
He suspected it wasn't being done exactly correctly, but he'd run through the instructions he'd been given. It might have been wrong, but he was doing it the way he'd been told to.
He changed his approach and started to do it the opposite way to which he'd been told.
"You're still doing it bloody wrong!"
He downed tools and headed towards the sunset.

Cinema

The kids in the back row talked and laughed and used their phones.
It annoyed him, but it was only at the local adverts part of the programme. He didn't care if he couldn't properly hear about double glazing or taxi companies, but they'd better shut up when the trailers started.
The trailers began. The talking and laughter continued.
His patience wore out.
Words were said and physical actions were exercised. He was asked, but really told, to leave.

Note

"Look at this," he enthused.
"What have you got there?" his friend asked.
"It's one of those new five pound notes."
"Let's see."
He took it from his friend and gave it a cursory inspection.
"What do you think?"
"I don't like it."
"Why?"
"Because Churchill is on it."
"But he's the greatest ever Brit. A survey said so."
"What? He was a bully and a racist, a despicable shit of a man."
He punched his friend in the face, took the money and walked away.

Bastards

The noise, yet again.
Every night it started at six o'clock and continued until nine.
Screaming, screeching, hollering, generally being up to no good, but causing a disturbance for everyone that lived within a half mile radius of the park.
He sat and listened to the annoyance yet again and hoped, prayed that the mad man in North Korea would press the button.

Socks

There were twenty six socks in his drawer, but none of them formed a perfect pair. Sure, there were ones which originally came from the same packet, but they had been washed a few times more and were less black and more dark grey than their counterparts and some had shrunk a little bit so that none matched exactly.
He was baffled as to why this was.
Downstairs, the washing machine smiled inwardly as it felt the weight of twenty six odd socks nestling beneath its drum.

Session

The beer flowed as it always did at these occasions, in abundance.
It might as well flow from the tap and straight into a toilet, cutting out the middle man, he thought and then snorted at how witty he perceived himself to be.
At the thought of this he drained his drink and then went to the toilet. Again.
While he was in there everyone he thought was his friend buggered off to another bar and left him stranded.

Sideboard

The sideboard had fascinated him when he was a child. He'd thought it was a magic alternative universe of fun that would one day make his life complete. It was always the focal point of his parents' parties and everyone smiled all the time at those.
Now it was his, the nostalgia dust having settled, it wasn't the same.
It was just a normal sideboard with a massive old radio screwed inside one cupboard and a few bottles of peculiar foreign alcohol in the other.
He opened one of the bottles and took a swig. He spat it out immediately.
He would never undertand his parents' generation.

Tide

He sat on the beach, encapsulated by the waves. It was soothing and helped him get over the pain of recent times.
Before he knew it the tide was on its way in.
He was cut off. It was drawing closer and he was in a state of panic.
He was backed up to the cliff and his feet were beginning to get wet.
After fifteen minutes the water was up to chest height and he was being battered against the rock.
His attempt to swim out was futile.
He was pounded into the cliff wall like one of those rubber spiders you used to get when we were kids that you threw against the wall and it climbed down it - remember them?

Sausage and Eggs

He sat waiting patiently.
"FULL BREAKFAST?" yelled the burly chef who would have been smoking as he brought out the plate if it was still allowed.
A hand went up by the window and the plate was delivered.
Two minutes passed.
 "BACON SANDWICH?"
"Here," said a young woman.
Didn't she come in after me? thought the man.
Fifteen minutes passed. Four more "FULL BREAKFASTS", two "BACON SANDWICHES"and even an "EGGS BENEDICT", but no "SAUSAGE AND EGGS".
The man went to the counter.
"Where's my breakfast?" he asked.
The woman went into the kitchen to enquire.
She returned soon after.
"No sausages," she explained.
"I'll have my money back then."
"No can do."
"Why not?"
"He's making yours now."
"Without sausages?"
"That's right."
"So just eggs then?"
"Yes."
He sat down and left a scathing review on TripAdvisor.

Rabbit

"Whatcha got there, Chas?"
"Well, Dave, it's a bleedin' letter, innit?"
Dave did indeed hold a letter in his hand, although it wasn't bleeding.
"What does it say?"
"It's from a supermarket."
"Special offers?"
"No, it's more of a cease and desist thing, innit?"
It was phrased as a question, but he wasn't really asking.
"Have a butcher's."
He passed it to Dave for him to read.
"I don't fackin' Adam and Eve it," he said.
"False advertising, they say."
"Are they 'avin' a bleedin' Turkish?"
"Apparently not. They don't sell rabbits and never 'ave."
"We'll 'ave to change the bleedin' song."

Quids

"How much is this?"
"A pound."
"And how much is this?"
She sighed.
"That's also a pound."
"What about this?"
"Did you see the name of the shop before you came in?"
"Yes."
"And what is it?"
"Everything Costs a Quid."
"So how much do you think everything costs?"
"A pound?"
"Exactly."
He picked up a pack of rolls of parcel tape and headed for the till.
The cashier scanned them.
"That's 99p please."
The man frowned.

Children

"Fifty people were killed, six of them children," announced the newsreader as she wore a solemn expression.
She thought for a moment.
"You know what? Why do we say that?"
She could hear her producer's voice in her ear, but that wasn't going to stop her. She tore out the ear piece.
"It's a tragedy, but do did kids make it any worse? No, they don't. Fifty people are dead. That's fifty people who won't be going home. They're all someone's son, daughter, brother or sister."
The camerman looked at her and pleaded her to stop with his eyes.
"It's not all about children."
She stood and left the cameraman filming an empty desk.

The River

"Help!"
He was walking along the riverbank when he heard the shout.
A woman was caught in the current, not waving but drowning.
"Hang on," he called back, as if hanging on was an option.
He found a branch on the ground that had recently snapped off a tree. He grasped it and extended it out towards the woman who gripped the other hand with one hand.
She was stronger than he was and before he knew it he was also in the drink.
"Now what?" he asked as they were both swept downstream.

Judgement

"It's time," the man told him.
His last meal hadn't tasted as good as he thought it would.

Class

None of them liked the teacher. He was strict and they were mostly scared of him.
This led to the children having a meeting at breaktime.
"We need to get rid of him," one suggested.
"How?" asked another.
"I've got an idea," said a third, heading for the staff car park.
That evening the teacher crashed his car on the way home as his brakes failed. There was no reason for the police to suspect foul play even though that was exactly what it was.
The six year olds were so devious.

Shots

Daniel walked into the pub.
"Vodka," he said and slapped a five pound note on to the bar.
The barman poured the drink, took the money and gave Daniel his change.
He downed it.
"Vodka," he said again and placed another five pound note on the bar.
The ritual was repeated 20 more times and then Daniel left the pub. He walked in a straight line and the barman was quite impressed. So much vodka in half an hour would knock most people out.
Daniel awoke the following morning on his couch. His head pounded and he'd been sick on himself and the carpet.
There was an absolute mountain of assorted coins on the coffee table.

Fashion

He always wore peculiar outfits. People weren't sure if he was a genius or a fool, but today made most believe the latter.
He was wearing a wetsuit and had a fox on his head. An actual, living, breathing fox.
People he walked past stopped and stared; they chuckled and whispered about him as he flounced down the road.
The famous fashion designer saw him and nodded approval. He went home immediately and put on a wetsuit and stuck a raccoon on his head.

Idols

She'd waited in line for two and a half hours in the rain just to see him and get him to sign the book. She had his latest novel in her hand - a brand new hardback copy.
She reached the front of the queue.
"I'm so happy to finally meet you!" she enthused.
"Who's it for?" he asked.
"Me!"
He frowned at her.
"And you are?"
She laughed nervously.
"Oh, silly me! You don't know who I am."
"Look lady, there are others in line beind you. Don't waste my fucking time with small talk."
She left, went home and packed up all the books she owned that he'd written to take to the tip.

Arches

"This burger is terrible."
He held the offending item in his hand. It had one bite out of it and looked absolutely nothing like the giant picture above the counter.
"What's the matter with it?"
The man looked at the burger in his hand and then at the picture.
"The appearance for starters."
"There's nothing wrong with it."
"There's everything wrong with the taste."
"What about the taste?"
"There is none."
"What do you expect?"
The man was shocked.
"Everything we sell is shit. It's all mass-produced crap and they pay us slave trade wages to sell the bloody stuff."
The man placed the burger on the counter and walked away. The picture of the clown by the door smirked at him as he left.

Butcher

"Morning Jeff," said a customer.
Jeff was busy chopping something or other with his back to the customers.
"Morning."
The young apprentice served the man.
The queue decreased slowly as the customers were served.
Everyone just assumed Jeff was filleting pork ready for sale.
Nobody thought that they hadn't seen his wife for a few days.

Amazon

"You know there are still tribes in the Brazilian rainforest that have never had contact with anybody else?"
"Really? That must be awful?"
"Why's that?"
"They probably don't have internet or anything."
"No, they don't and that's what's good."
"Why?"
"They have no idea what mankind have done, what we've achieved."
"That's so sad."
"Maybe, but when we've destroyed everything and killed each other they'll all probably still be there. The last humans."
"They won't have anyone to talk to though."

Two Degrees

The explosion shocked him.
"What was that?" he asked.
"Sir, you just fired a missile."
His hand had touched the button by mistake.
"Oops!"
A ship containing no personnel had just been obliterated.
Another two degrees to the left and he would have destroyed the base and killed hundreds.

Boxes

The boxes on top of the wardrobe had been there for years. This was evidenced by the thick layer of dust which coated them all.
Neither of them remembered what was in the boxes, but they knew it must be something important or they wouldn't have kept them.
There was actually a significant amount of money in one of them. How could they forget that?
The problem was that a small mouse had been living in that box for a few months, unnoticed. All the cash had been shredded by the creature. It lived in a £20,000 box.

Crash

The ocean grew closer and closer through the cockpit window.
The pilot was wrestling with the controls, trying to get at least a shred of control. The plane wouldn't have it though. Absolutely everything had seized. There was nothing to do but brace themselves.
When was the last time this was serviced? thought the pilot as the water neared them at an alarming rate.
There were 500 people behind him and he could hear 500 screams through the door. They were all going to die. All the lifejackets and oxygen in the world weren't going to save them. No plane had ever gone down at sea and produced a survivor.
It was seconds away.
I wish I'd eaten more blancmange, he thought, inexpicably.

Neighbours

The couple next door argued a lot.
Actually to call it arguing was unfair. She yelled at him a lot, but he never gave anything back.
"Why are you doing that?" she would shout at him while he was in the garden.
"You never do anything," she would yell as he fixed his car.
"You're lazy," she would scream as he took the dog out.
When she was struck and killed by a large branch which fell from the oak tree in the back garden, nobody believed it was an accident.
After the police quizzed him for days he returned home. Music was played in the house for the first time.