Pumpkins

She scooped out the inside and then started to carve a scary face into it, all the while reminding herself to be careful with the sharp knife.
She was pleased with her work and she hoped her son would be too.
As she made a cup of coffee she looked over to the table where the pumpkin lantern stood.
Had it moved?
No, of course not.
She rinsed out her cup and saw something move in the reflection of the window. She turned around and saw the pumpkin was on the floor, midway between her and the table.
While she was distracted she was unaware of the fifty pumpkins assembling in the garden.
There was a thump against the back door.

Motoring

The car wouldn't start. Twenty one attempts. That was a sign that it was fucked.
He would have to get a lift in and call the garage from work. What an inconvenience. He put the keys on top of the right rear tyre.
He called the garage and told them his problem and where the keys were. They'd take care of everything, the mechanic told him.
He received a call fifteen minutes later.
The keys weren't there. Nor was the car.

The Racist

"No Blacks allowed," said the man on the door.
"What?"
"You heard."
"It's 2016, you can't talk like that."
"Well I just did. No Blacks allowed."
He jabbed the man in the chest to force home his point.
"Come on," said the man to his friends. "We'll go somewhere else."
The doorman grinned. He wasn't interested in rugby, but he hated people from New Zealand.

Serenity

She had come away for the weekend to the spa. Mostly it was for pampering and relaxation, but getting away from her sister's wedding plans was also a bonus.
She returned to her room after a day of massages and yoga, feeling the most serene she had felt in ages.
Lying on the bed with her book, she suddenly became aware of a dripping sound from the en suite. The tap must be on.
She went to investigate. The tap was indeed dripping. She tightened it and went back to the bed.
The dripping continued.
She tried to shut out the noise, but it was no good. She was unable to concentrate on her book and she was unable to sleep properly that night.
The following morning having managed around forty five minutes of fragmented sleep she checked out of the spa, exhausted and with a tight, stressed feeling in her shoulders.

Hedge

It wasn't straight.
After an hour of trimming the hedge was visibly higher at one end than the other.
He started to trim the offending parts and stepped back to admire his work.
Now the previously high end was too low. He trimmed a little more to even it out.
This went on for some time until he was finally satisfied that it was level.
His wife returned an hour later.
"What have you done to the hedge?" she asked him.
"Do you like it?"
"It's a bit low."
"Well it took me a while to get it properly level."
She glanced out of the window at a hedge that was incredibly level, but was now barely two inches from the ground.

Bus Stop

Three had gone in the opposite direction while he had been waiting, but none returned.
He was running late. He'd been standing there for almost twenty five minutes and the timetable had been rendered useless.
He set off walking.
As he got midway between two stops, a bus drove past, mocking him.
"Why?" he yelled, shaking his fist at the vehicle.
Another drove past and then another.
He tore up his bus pass and decided he would buy a car.

Door

"Don't open that door!"
It was like a red rag to a bull. He grabbed the handle and pulled it.
"No!"
The screeching sound from behind it made him wish he had no ears. The door began to open and the noise grew louder. It couldn't be pushed shut again.
The other man said something, but he couldn't hear.
"What?"
The beast in the room awoke.

Pointless Pachyderms

John entered the mansion that had belonged to his very distant family member.
It was his now, him being the closest living relative to the rich hermit.
The hallway was massive. There were paintings all over the walls and the huge staircase housed statues and plants.
He knew he was now worth a fortune. He also knew that he'd probably sell most of the rich man's tat.
John opened the first door he came to. It was billed as the drawing room.
As soon as he stepped inside he didn't think much drawing had been done in it. There simply wasn't room.
There were two stuffed elephants occupying the entire space.
How did he get them in here? John thought, as he looked at the two small windows on the far wall.

Witnesses

John answered the door.
"Yes?"
He could see who the two women were and he decided to be as hostile as possible towards them.
"Good morning, sir. Have you a minute to talk about..."
"No!"
"But what about..."
"No!"
"Isn't God gr..."
"No, he's not. Piss off."
He went to slam the door, but one of the women blocked it with her foot. She stepped into the house and grabbed John around his neck.
"Now listen here, punk. We've come to talk to you about God and you're going to bloody well listen."
A frightened John invited them in and put the kettle on.

Yo, Where The Gs At?

Eric loved hip hop. Despite the fact that he was from a white middle class background he felt it really spoke to him.
He wore baseball caps at jaunty angles. He wore American sports jerseys belonging to teams he'd never heard of. He wore his jeans uncomfortably low. He wore lots of jewellery, like he was a walking display cabinet from Ratner's.
Now he was thinking of getting one of those grills for his teeth.
"Are you sure dear?" his mother asked when he told her what he wanted.
"Fo' shizzle, bitch," he replied.
She slapped him so hard across the face that he saw stars.
He never got the grill.

Preacher

"God will forgive you though, sinner. It's not too late to save yourself."
How had he ended up watching this rubbish? The Religion Channel wasn't one of his favourites, that was for sure, but here he sat, glued to it.
"All you need is this." The TV evangelist held up a bible. "And this." He held up a credit card.
The man watching chuckled.
"Just £500 buys you a place in heaven. Hurry as this one-time offer won't last long."
He picked up the phone and dialled the number on the screen.
"Heaven Awaits. How can I help you?" a voice at the other end asked.
"Oh, hello. I'd like to buy my place in heaven please."
He gave his credit card details as instructed.
"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"No that's it thanks. I'm in now."
He took his gun from the table next to his chair and blew his brains up the sideboard.

Lunch

An all-you-can-eat buffet was his choice. It was just as well he had no afternoon plans because he'd eaten 19 slices of pizza already.
He'd eschewed the salad bar and gone straight for the good stuff. Now he regretted eating so much. Not that that was going to stop him having another couple of slices.
He circled the buffet, plate in hand.
His stomach began to gurgle. He thought nothing of it.
Just as he placed a piece of meat feast next to his Hawaiian, he let out a long fart.
It went on and on and wouldn't stop.
Diners looked at him in disgust.
Thirty seconds into the mammoth guff it went from bad to worse as he filled his underpants with dogs' eggs and collapsed, the plate crashing to the floor.

The Truth

"We've got some important news for you."
The girl sat opposite her mother and father at the kitchen table. She hated these family meetings. She chewed gum and looked as far from interested as it's possible to look.
"Ellie, listen to your mother."
She looked at her mother.
"What?" although the t wasn't really pronounced.
Her mother looked like she was about to cry.
"Ellie, I'm sorry. I don't know how to say this..."
She sobbed uncontrollably. Her husband squeezed her hand.
"What we're trying to say," her father continued, "is that you're adopted."
Ellie thought for a second.
"Fuck you both," she said.
Ellie stood and left the table and then the house and then the couple's lives.

Time

"What time is it?"
"Time you got a watch! Hurr! Hurr!"
He turned and walked into the road, not seeing the truck.
Suddenly things weren't so funny.

Investments

He clicked the button and watched the screen. The transaction had gone through.
Now he needed to just sit and wait. If all went according to plan he would gain back most of the £250,000 he'd lost yesterday. Nobody knew about that yet and he hoped it would stay that way.
He went and had lunch, resisting the urge to check the latest prices.
When he was back at his desk he felt sick as he looked at the screen. The market he'd invested in had all but collapsed in his absence.
He had lost the company close to a million in two days. This would be the end for him.
He threw up a huge stream of Chinese food all over his desk.

Cards

"Hit me," he said.
The dealer cast a card expertly over the table.
It was a 7 which meant he had bust.
He stood and left the table silently.
That was it. He had burned his way through an entire month's salary in under four hours. He felt sick.
Just as he reached the door he spied a coin on the floor. He bent and picked it up. A pound, that was now all he had to his name.
"Sod it," he said and put it into the slot of the the nearest fruit machine.
Jackpot!
£500!
And then again straight away. Maybe it was his lucky day!
He converted the cash into chips and lost it all in three hours.

#hashtag

His phone pinged. It was another message from his mother.
Ever since she'd got that new smartphone she was texting him 100 times a day.
"I get free text messges," she had told him.
He was aware of that, but she didn't have to use them all on him.
The texts were bad enough, but she was following him on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Vine and everywhere else he had ever registered. He felt like he was being stalked.
He looked at the message.
"Dad is seriously ill. His cancer is back. ROFL."
The news was awful, as was her command of text speak.

Angel

He awoke suddenly and saw something out of the corner of his eye. He looked towards the window.
There, outside, stood a woman dressed in white.
How was she managing to do that? Was she floating?
She beckoned him towards her. He got out of bed, powerless to stop himself.
As he approached the window she disappeared. At that moment the ceiling above his bed crashed down and the water tank from the attic dropped to the bed, reducing its frame to matchsticks.

Bonus

She woke up feeling like she'd slept for about fifteen minutes. Ever.
It was the millionth night in a row of poor sleep and it was beginning to be beyond a joke.
A coffee would perk her up and ensure she would be able to function like a human for the rest of the day.
She made a cup and took a sip. It wasn't going to be enough.
Opening the cupboard she saw the jar of instant coffee It was still about two thirds full.
She boiled the kettle and poured the water into the jar.
The whole thing was consumed in two minutes.
Now she was ready.

Insane

He sat in the corner of the padded room. He looked like he was hugging himself thanks to the long-sleeved jacket they had put him in. He would have laughed at the absurdity if it wasn't for the fact that he shouldn't have been there.
Everyone thinks that, but in his case it was true.
He wasn't insane. He kept telling them this, but they wouldn't listen.
The door opened and in walked the talking lion.

All? No, All

He wanted everything. Literally everything.
Nothing was ever right when he got it though. Everything he got was either not how he wanted it to be or it didn't work properly. Things ultimately ended up being returned.
He would never have it all at this rate.

Block

He wondered for hours what the story should be about, but came up with nothing.
Eventually he admitted defeat and closed the lid of his laptop. It was only distracting him from looking out of the window anyway.

Sports

He sat in his living room. Two televisions and a laptop displayed pictures from different sporting events. The headphones he was wearing provided commentary from another.
He sat in his comfy chair and scooped huge handfuls of crisps into his slobbering mouth as he kept up to date with the latest happenings.
He loved sport. All sport.
He was at the fattest and unhealthiest he'd ever been. He could barely walk to the kitchen and back without getting out of breath these days, let alone play sport any more.
The irony was lost on him.

Angry Man

He sat watching TV as his son screeched his cars across the carpet.
The builders next door could be heard and he turned the volume up a couple of notches.
He couldn't concentrate due to the loud conversation taking place outside. He didn't like the use of colourful language around his son and he heard a couple of words from the banned list.
He leapt from his chair and marched over to the window, tearing it open.
"HEY!"
The builders looked at him.
"What?" said one.
"WE CAN HEAR YOU IN HERE."
"So? We're having a conversation."
"MY SON IS IN HERE. HE'S ONLY 6."
"And? Do you want some sort of bloody medal?"
"I WANT YOU TO USE LESS OF THE FOUL LANGUAGE."
"We aren't using any foul language."
"I'VE HEARD PLENTY, THANK YOU. TRY USING FEWER FUCKS AND CUNTS."
He slammed the window shut
"Piss off," the builder muttered.

Campsite

It had started quite well. The tent was erected and he curled up in his sleeping bag.
The wind woke him up and then the rain came. It was about 2am.
Both increased in their ferocity and the tent rattled around. The pegs were pulled out of the ground. He tried to fix it, but to no avail.
By 4am he was in his car, wide awake and drenched. The tent was a hundred fields or more away.
He was done with camping.

Golf

The ball sailed through the air and landed on the green, bouncing four times and coming to rest inches from the hole.
There was raucous cheering and more polite applause.
He felt good. He was playing the round of his life.
He arrived at the green knowing that a simple putt would see him end on 7 under par, his greatest ever on this course.
He stood ready to tap the ball in, unaware of the falling debris from the space station that was heading straight for him which would spoil his moment of glory by taking his life.

Phone

He sat staring at his phone, willing it to ring.
Four o'clock was the promise and it was now quarter past.
It couldn't be good news in that case. It mustn't have gone as they'd expected.
He'd packed his bag just in case it all went awry and he thought that he should really get going sooner rather than later.
He headed down the stairs to his car, climbed in and threw the bag on to the passenger seat.
His phone rang.

Roofs

The view over the town from up here is amazing. I can see the rooftops stretching in all directions. It's given me a whole different perspective. I can see for miles.
The guy two streets away obviously had the same idea as me. He's sitting on his roof too.
I wave at him, but he doesn't see me.
I watch as he swan dives into the street below.

Sick Bed

I've been in this bed for days and I still don't feel any better.
I'm starting to think I'll never be well again.
This might be it.
The end could be in sight.
I need to prepare my will and write down my funeral wishes.
Or it might just be a cold.

Dogs

All day they sat and looked out of the window waiting for him to return.
Here he comes!
The key entered the lock and their tails wagged.
He came in, muttered something in his strange language to them and poured food into their bowls.
They ate, he took them to the park and then the room went dark.
Hours and hours and hours until their next human contact.
He arrived in the morning, he took them to the park, he left.
All day...