They went out every Friday to The Club. Nobody knew why it was called The Club as there was no membership fee and anyone was allowed in. It was probably called The Club as it had always been The Club, it was as simple as that.
He got himself a pint and a half for his wife - women weren't meant to drink pints, despite what some of the youngsters got up to.
They sat and waited. There was a turn on. There were turns on most Fridays and tonight's was special. It was a tribute act. They never had tribute acts. It was usually some bloke with a guitar who couldn't carry a tune.
The woman took to the stage in a Tina Turner outfit and began singing Tina Turner songs. She looked and sounded exactly like Tina Turner to the point where some people wondered if it actually was Tina Turner.
"Come on, we're going. There's no need for this filth," said the man, illogically upset by the short dress and gyrating.
"No, I'm staying," said his wife.
Her husband was furious.
Tina Turner sang about second hand emotions.
Friday 30 June 2017
Thursday 29 June 2017
Guitar
He'd been trying to play the guitar since he was about 14 and he still couldn't play a full song. He knew parts of about 20,000 different songs, but he seemed incapable of learning one in its entirety.
His friend, also a guitarist, suggested they form a band and he jumped at the chance.
He couldn't play a full song either and also knew parts of 20,000 different songs.
They teamed up with a drummer who knew one beat and a bass player who only ever played two different notes.
They practised for hours and hours and eventually managed to play one song to a reasonable standard.
They realised it would be approximately 40 years before they learned enough songs to play a half hour set in the pub in ceased all band rehearsals with immediate effect.
His friend, also a guitarist, suggested they form a band and he jumped at the chance.
He couldn't play a full song either and also knew parts of 20,000 different songs.
They teamed up with a drummer who knew one beat and a bass player who only ever played two different notes.
They practised for hours and hours and eventually managed to play one song to a reasonable standard.
They realised it would be approximately 40 years before they learned enough songs to play a half hour set in the pub in ceased all band rehearsals with immediate effect.
Blocked
She started the day with her phone. She had to catch up on all the tweets she'd missed whilst asleep.
Where was that celebrity she hated? She only followed her so she could relentless troll her, but there were no new tweets.
She searched for the actress/model who actually never did any paid work and contributed nothing to society.
The search revealed that she was now blocked from following this user.
She felt sad, even though this had been her goal all along.
Where was that celebrity she hated? She only followed her so she could relentless troll her, but there were no new tweets.
She searched for the actress/model who actually never did any paid work and contributed nothing to society.
The search revealed that she was now blocked from following this user.
She felt sad, even though this had been her goal all along.
Tuesday 27 June 2017
Calculator
The boy giggled as he entered 5318008 into his calculator. He turned it upside down and showed his friend who laughed so hard a big snot bubble appeared out of his nose.
"Do you know any more?" he asked between bouts of guffawing.
The calculator made a sudden beep and the display flashed at the boys.
They looked and it said STOP MESSING ABOUT.
The calculator fell to the floor.
"Do you know any more?" he asked between bouts of guffawing.
The calculator made a sudden beep and the display flashed at the boys.
They looked and it said STOP MESSING ABOUT.
The calculator fell to the floor.
Replacements
He woke up and went down to the kitchen.
There was a strange man sitting there. There was nothing strange about him, but rather it was strange that he was sitting there. The two men did look a little alike though.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The man looked perplexed.
"Who are you?" the man retorted.
His wife walked in. Except it wasn't his wife, but someone who looked a little like her.
"Who are you?" she asked.
A van pulled up outside the house and three men dressed all in black headed for the house.
There was a strange man sitting there. There was nothing strange about him, but rather it was strange that he was sitting there. The two men did look a little alike though.
"Who are you?" he asked.
The man looked perplexed.
"Who are you?" the man retorted.
His wife walked in. Except it wasn't his wife, but someone who looked a little like her.
"Who are you?" she asked.
A van pulled up outside the house and three men dressed all in black headed for the house.
Sunday 25 June 2017
Radio
The DJ had the kind of voice that made you want to punch him. He was so condescending and he also sounded like he had a perpetually-blocked nose. The music he played wasn't up to much either. Then there was the music quiz that was clearly for idiots with its simple questions and even simpler contestants.
Sarah was baffled as to why she still listened to him and decided to change things. She pressed the button to search for another station.
A full revolution of the dial and the annoying DJ was back. That was why she listened.
Sarah was baffled as to why she still listened to him and decided to change things. She pressed the button to search for another station.
A full revolution of the dial and the annoying DJ was back. That was why she listened.
Heist
They screeched to a halt outside the bank, masks on and shotguns in hand.
Something wasn't right. It was too quiet.
They got out of the car and ran to the door. It was locked.
Half day closing.
They would try again tomorrow.
Something wasn't right. It was too quiet.
They got out of the car and ran to the door. It was locked.
Half day closing.
They would try again tomorrow.
Saturday 24 June 2017
Thursday 22 June 2017
Lottery
She watched as the numbers were drawn out.
The first one was on her ticket.
And the second.
She dared to dream.
The third number wasn't on her ticket.
Nor the fourth.
Not five or six either.
She swore and tore up her ticket.
The first one was on her ticket.
And the second.
She dared to dream.
The third number wasn't on her ticket.
Nor the fourth.
Not five or six either.
She swore and tore up her ticket.
Insurance
The dealer had an ace showing.
"Insurance?" he asked the solitary player at the table.
The player shook his head.
Before the game was concluded an electrical fault caused a small fire beneath the table and the casino was evacuated.
The cards and the man's chips were burned and the bet was lost.
"Insurance?" he asked the solitary player at the table.
The player shook his head.
Before the game was concluded an electrical fault caused a small fire beneath the table and the casino was evacuated.
The cards and the man's chips were burned and the bet was lost.
Tuesday 20 June 2017
Meal
The restaurant had only opened recently, but the reviews were all glowing.
The couple decided it would be a nice place to try.
They were seated and perused the menu. Decisions were made and orders were taken.
They sat and waited. Waited, waited, waited.
It was soon over an hour since they'd ordered. They attracted the waiter's attention.
"Where is our food?" the man asked.
The waiter arched an eyebrow. "Sir?"
"We ordered over an hour ago."
"You ordered the 28-day-aged steak, did you not?"
"Yes, but..."
"Then you have another 671 hours to wait."
The couple decided it would be a nice place to try.
They were seated and perused the menu. Decisions were made and orders were taken.
They sat and waited. Waited, waited, waited.
It was soon over an hour since they'd ordered. They attracted the waiter's attention.
"Where is our food?" the man asked.
The waiter arched an eyebrow. "Sir?"
"We ordered over an hour ago."
"You ordered the 28-day-aged steak, did you not?"
"Yes, but..."
"Then you have another 671 hours to wait."
Monday 19 June 2017
Notes
He was about to give his important speech. He patted his pocket and was horrified that they weren't there. Where were his notes?
He panicked. He couldn't do this now.
He told someone he was going to the toilet and sneaked out the back way.
They waited and waited. His notes sat on the table in the break room where he'd left them.
He panicked. He couldn't do this now.
He told someone he was going to the toilet and sneaked out the back way.
They waited and waited. His notes sat on the table in the break room where he'd left them.
Sunday 18 June 2017
Square One
The week had started badly and then improved ever so slightly each day. By Friday the expectation of the weekend was high and the mood was the best it had been all week.
The post-work drinks, the shopping trip the following day, the meal at the fancy restaurant, a country walk on the Sunday. These were all real highlights.
And now it was back down to earth with a bang, right back to the start. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200.
The post-work drinks, the shopping trip the following day, the meal at the fancy restaurant, a country walk on the Sunday. These were all real highlights.
And now it was back down to earth with a bang, right back to the start. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200.
Saturday 17 June 2017
Day of Rest
She was sprawled on a sunbed in the garden with a paperback in one hand and a mojito in the other. Nothing was going to spoil this great day.
Except next door's bloody kids.
They were in that damned paddling pool again, screaming and laughing like they had some sort of monopoly on enjoying the warm weather.
She put down her drink and her book and stood up.
She walked over to the fence, pausing to pick up the hedge cutters she'd been using an hour earlier.
She checked the lead would stretch far enough and then threw them over the fence and straight into the kids' paddling pool.
There was more screaming and then silence.
She resumed her reading and drinking.
Except next door's bloody kids.
They were in that damned paddling pool again, screaming and laughing like they had some sort of monopoly on enjoying the warm weather.
She put down her drink and her book and stood up.
She walked over to the fence, pausing to pick up the hedge cutters she'd been using an hour earlier.
She checked the lead would stretch far enough and then threw them over the fence and straight into the kids' paddling pool.
There was more screaming and then silence.
She resumed her reading and drinking.
Jeans
He ventured into a shop that stocked nothing but denim. He took a deep breath as he entered, filling his lungs with the smells of Mr Levi and Mr Wrangler.
Would he find something which fitted him?
He hoped so, they had every cut of jeans in every size imaginable.
He looked through rack upon rack and pile upon pile of brand new jeans, but found nothing in a size which suited him.
"Can I help you?" beamed an assistant too happy for her own good.
"Yes. I'm looking for a pair of jeans."
The assistant looked at him in shock.
"But sir, you've got no legs."
Would he find something which fitted him?
He hoped so, they had every cut of jeans in every size imaginable.
He looked through rack upon rack and pile upon pile of brand new jeans, but found nothing in a size which suited him.
"Can I help you?" beamed an assistant too happy for her own good.
"Yes. I'm looking for a pair of jeans."
The assistant looked at him in shock.
"But sir, you've got no legs."
Thursday 15 June 2017
Half Century
He felt like he'd been doing it forever and he counted back. This was the 500th time. He couldn't believe it.
He raised a glass and looked forward to the next 500.
He raised a glass and looked forward to the next 500.
Wednesday 14 June 2017
Grasscutter
It's only been 9 days since the grass in the park was last cut, but here he is at it again.
He appears on his huge mower, clad all in black and manoeuvring the behemoth of a machine with purpose. It looks like a Transformer. Maybe it is?
He speeds up and down, not caring for a nice striped effect and leaving piles of freshly-murdered grass in his wake.
He disappears out of the park and away up the road once he's finished the hatchet job.
The council guys arrive soon after with a mower of their own, baffled that the job has already been done.
Who is the grasscutter?
He appears on his huge mower, clad all in black and manoeuvring the behemoth of a machine with purpose. It looks like a Transformer. Maybe it is?
He speeds up and down, not caring for a nice striped effect and leaving piles of freshly-murdered grass in his wake.
He disappears out of the park and away up the road once he's finished the hatchet job.
The council guys arrive soon after with a mower of their own, baffled that the job has already been done.
Who is the grasscutter?
Tuesday 13 June 2017
The Cheque
"You issued me a cheque."
"Yes?"
"Well, you put the wrong name on it."
"Which name is on it?"
"Trevor Johnson."
"And you are?"
"Terry Johnson."
"We can reissue the cheque only if Mr Johnson contacts us."
"I'm Mr Johnson!"
"Are you Trevor Johnson?"
"No, I told you, I'm Terry Johnson. There is no Trevor Johnson."
"Unless Trevor Johnson contacts us there's nothing we can do."
The line went dead.
"Yes?"
"Well, you put the wrong name on it."
"Which name is on it?"
"Trevor Johnson."
"And you are?"
"Terry Johnson."
"We can reissue the cheque only if Mr Johnson contacts us."
"I'm Mr Johnson!"
"Are you Trevor Johnson?"
"No, I told you, I'm Terry Johnson. There is no Trevor Johnson."
"Unless Trevor Johnson contacts us there's nothing we can do."
The line went dead.
Monday 12 June 2017
The Interrupters
The two women sat outside a cafe looking at a magazine. The first one showed the second one a photograph of some pointless celebrity doing something pointless.
"Hey, have you seen tha..."
"Isn't that the guy from..."
"It's that guy from the thing on the tel..."
"I like that programme, it's really g..."
"Great programme. I watch it every wee..."
"I tell you what else he was..."
"He was in that film with the woman from the..."
"I think she's great. Liked her ever since tha..."
The conversation was interrupted indefinitely by a sudden and unexpected lightning strike hitting the metal table.
"Hey, have you seen tha..."
"Isn't that the guy from..."
"It's that guy from the thing on the tel..."
"I like that programme, it's really g..."
"Great programme. I watch it every wee..."
"I tell you what else he was..."
"He was in that film with the woman from the..."
"I think she's great. Liked her ever since tha..."
The conversation was interrupted indefinitely by a sudden and unexpected lightning strike hitting the metal table.
Sunday 11 June 2017
PIN
He stood at the cashpoint, a gun against his back.
"Don't try anything funny."
He wouldn't dare. He slid his card into the slot and paused as the machine asked for his PIN.
He'd heard that if you were ever in this situation that you should enter your PIN in reverse and the police would be there within minutes. He wasn't sure if this was true, but he thought it was worth a try.
He entered his PIN, backwards, and withdrew £500 which he gave to the robber.
The criminal ran off with his haul, but the police were nowhere in sight.
The man hadn't realised that they would never come, whether there was truth in the PIN thing or not, as his number was a numerical palindrome.
"Don't try anything funny."
He wouldn't dare. He slid his card into the slot and paused as the machine asked for his PIN.
He'd heard that if you were ever in this situation that you should enter your PIN in reverse and the police would be there within minutes. He wasn't sure if this was true, but he thought it was worth a try.
He entered his PIN, backwards, and withdrew £500 which he gave to the robber.
The criminal ran off with his haul, but the police were nowhere in sight.
The man hadn't realised that they would never come, whether there was truth in the PIN thing or not, as his number was a numerical palindrome.
The One That Got Away
He'd been sitting by the river all day, line in the water, not getting a single bite.
It was an ideal opportunity to knock back a dozen or so supermarket brand lagers and smoke that little bit of black he'd had hidden away for months.
The line moved as if under the weight of a beast of a fish.
In his excitement the man fell drunkenly into the water. The current was stronger than he expected and he was far too drunk and stoned to swim against it. He let the river carry him.
The fish that had been hooked somehow managed to wriggle free.
It was an ideal opportunity to knock back a dozen or so supermarket brand lagers and smoke that little bit of black he'd had hidden away for months.
The line moved as if under the weight of a beast of a fish.
In his excitement the man fell drunkenly into the water. The current was stronger than he expected and he was far too drunk and stoned to swim against it. He let the river carry him.
The fish that had been hooked somehow managed to wriggle free.
Saturday 10 June 2017
Skateboard
He knew all the tricks. There wasn't a ramp built that he couldn't jump from. There wasn't a single move that he couldn't execute. He could be a pro.
Why then did his parents tell him to stop wasting his time with it and get a real job instead?
Was it because he was nearly 50?
Why then did his parents tell him to stop wasting his time with it and get a real job instead?
Was it because he was nearly 50?
Friday 9 June 2017
The Wait
Is it time yet?
I look at my watch and sigh.
I drum my fingers on the table a bit. I look out of the window.
Is it time yet?
I look at my watch and sigh again.
I try and work out how many seconds there are until it is time and find the maths impossible.
Is it time yet?
It'll never be time.
I look at my watch and sigh.
I drum my fingers on the table a bit. I look out of the window.
Is it time yet?
I look at my watch and sigh again.
I try and work out how many seconds there are until it is time and find the maths impossible.
Is it time yet?
It'll never be time.
Thursday 8 June 2017
Vote
He thought his vote didn't matter, that his voice wouldn't be heard.
I'll not bother, he thought.
He went about his business all day without thinking about it any more.
By the evening he was having doubts.
What if I'm wrong?
He didn't know what he should do. He thought some more.
If everyone thought like me, the whole system of democracy would be pointless.
He pulled on his boots, threw on his jacket and headed for the polling station.
I'll not bother, he thought.
He went about his business all day without thinking about it any more.
By the evening he was having doubts.
What if I'm wrong?
He didn't know what he should do. He thought some more.
If everyone thought like me, the whole system of democracy would be pointless.
He pulled on his boots, threw on his jacket and headed for the polling station.
Wednesday 7 June 2017
Immortal
He drank the peculiar coloured potion from the glass bottle and gave the satisfied ah! of someone whose thirst has been adequately quenched.
He tossed the bottle away.
"Now I am immortal!" he yelled across the valley to nobody in particular.
He didn't see the out of control plane spiralling towards him which would render his statement a lie.
He tossed the bottle away.
"Now I am immortal!" he yelled across the valley to nobody in particular.
He didn't see the out of control plane spiralling towards him which would render his statement a lie.
Monday 5 June 2017
Soldier of Fortune
It was part of a trip to the seaside.
She stood outside the tent and wondered if she should part with a tenner for what was surely nonsense.
She shrugged and lifted the flap to walk in.
There was a crystal ball on a small table and behind it sat a man in full camouflage.
"I know your future," he said.
She stood outside the tent and wondered if she should part with a tenner for what was surely nonsense.
She shrugged and lifted the flap to walk in.
There was a crystal ball on a small table and behind it sat a man in full camouflage.
"I know your future," he said.
Sunday 4 June 2017
Cheese
The mouse came out of her hole and into the farmyard.
There in front of her was a gigantic lump of cheese, the likes of which she'd never seen before.
It was like the Great Book of Mouse had prophesised. The old writings said that one day a piece of cheese 1,000 times bigger than any mouse would appear and now here it was.
She scurried around it to see if it was a trap and as far as she could tell it was safe.
If she'd bothered to study the Great Book of Mouse more carefully she would have known that the gigantic lump of cheese would be followed by an even giganticker lump of cheese which would fall from the sky.
It got dark quickly as the smell of approaching Cheddar filled the air.
There in front of her was a gigantic lump of cheese, the likes of which she'd never seen before.
It was like the Great Book of Mouse had prophesised. The old writings said that one day a piece of cheese 1,000 times bigger than any mouse would appear and now here it was.
She scurried around it to see if it was a trap and as far as she could tell it was safe.
If she'd bothered to study the Great Book of Mouse more carefully she would have known that the gigantic lump of cheese would be followed by an even giganticker lump of cheese which would fall from the sky.
It got dark quickly as the smell of approaching Cheddar filled the air.
Saturday 3 June 2017
Trolley
He rolled away from the supermarket under cover of darkness.
Nobody saw him and his escape was a success.
After days of surviving in the wild he became depressed, longing for his old life of helping others.
He couldn't remember how to get back to the supermarket and so he found himself at the top of a bridge, ready to throw himself in the river and end it all.
Nobody saw him and his escape was a success.
After days of surviving in the wild he became depressed, longing for his old life of helping others.
He couldn't remember how to get back to the supermarket and so he found himself at the top of a bridge, ready to throw himself in the river and end it all.
Friday 2 June 2017
The Photographer
He wandered the town taking photographs of as many people as he could. Some didn't mind, but others thought he was some kind of voyeur or perversion enthusiast type and gave him a wide berth. He didn't care as long as he grabbed plenty of snaps of as many folks as possible.
He got home and emptied their souls from his camera into a large tank in his back yard.
He got home and emptied their souls from his camera into a large tank in his back yard.
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