New Year

The clock was striking.
"Here's hoping this year will be better than the last."
Glasses were clinked together, but they knew it was going to be another shit year.

Home Straight

He screeched around the corner. The finish line was only a hundred yards away.
He glanced in the rear view mirror. Nobody else was in sight.
He slowed down to enjoy the moment as he cruised to victory.
The plane which had been forced to make an emergency landing had flattened him and his car before he could notice anything was amiss.

Nostalgia

She sat looking at her photo album, tears running down her cheeks.
The rest of them were all long gone and she was the only surviving member.
She closed the album and placed it on the coffee table. She knew what needed to be done.

Burglary

He tried the door. It was open. This was too easy.
He didn't noticed the wire that was pulled as he opened the door. He didn't notice the crossbow pointed at the door either.

Mouse

There was cheese in the trap.
They must have thought he was stupid. He'd lost his brother to one of theses traps and he wasn't going out the same way.
Mind you, the cheese both looked and smelled very tasty.
He took a chance.

Boxing Day

It was turkey again.
The novelty had worn off very quickly.
She emptied the jar of sleeping pills into her glass of wine and took a huge slug.

Christmas Day

The kids were awake at 4am, racing downstairs to see if Santa had been. The lights went on and the children screamed.
A man in a red suit was lying on the linoleum floor of the kitchen in a pool of blood.
Did this mean there were no presents?

Christmas Eve

The shopkeeper closed and locked the door and headed back into the darkness of the shop.
There was a loud knock at the door behind him.
He turned.
"I need to buy a present," pleaded a man through the glass.
The shopkeeper shrugged and headed into the room behind the counter.
The banging on the door continued.
The shopkeeper reached for his rifle.

Cheers

He loved coming to this place. The people were friendly. It was a home from home for him.
He finished his drink.
"Same again please."
"What were you drinking?"
"You know me!" he laughed.
"I don't. What's your name?"
He sighed. It wasn't as good as he thought.

Noise Pollution

"Hello, I'd like to report a crime."
"Certainly, madam, what has happened."
"My neighbours are listening to music."
"Is it loud?"
"Not really, I can barely hear it."
"Then what's the problem?"
"They're playing Phil Collins."
"We'll have two units there ASAP."

Not Many Left

The newspaper seller stood next to his huge pile of papers. He glanced at them. He would never sell this many.
He took a bottle from his bag and poured it over the papers.
He struck a match and dropped it on to the petrol-soaked papers.

Zoo

Her son wouldn't stop crying.
He'd begged for weeks to come to the zoo and now they were here he was making a scene.
"I'll give you something to cry about."
She picked him up and threw him over the wall into the gorilla enclosure.

Man Overboard

"HELP!"
He ran to the back of the boat and saw the other man in the water.
He was prepared to dive in or do whatever it took to help him.
But then he saw who it was and turned away.

Fish and Chips

"Large cod and chips, please."
"We don't have any cod."
"What do you have?"
"There's jarb."
"What the hell is jarb?"
"It's a new fish they've just discovered. Totally sustainable and tastes just like haddock."
"OK then. Jarb and chips, please."
The food was dished up on to a polysytrene tray and he paid for it.
He used a tiny wooden fork to start eating as he left the shop.
The fish tasted geat, much better than haddock. He took another forkful.
He felt his throat close and dropped the tray to the pavement.

The One with the Question

What?

Can It Get Any Worse?

He opened the front door. Cars were ablaze and he could hear the rioters in the distance. It sounded like they were getting closer.
He went back inside, closed the door and bolted it.
Today was going to be no better.

The Decision

He looked at his two options. He couldn't decide.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a coin. He flipped it and it landed on the table in front of him.
It was heads.

Death Bed

"Come in closer."
She leaned in.
"The money." He struggled to breathe. "The money..."
"What about the money?"
"It's in the..."
"Where? What?"
There was a long pause. Was he still breathing?
He grabbed her hand.
"I'll never tell you or your vulture of a brother where it is. Now get out."

Carbomb

He turned the key in the ignition.
The car exploded.

Television

The family sat watching the talent show where there was an ironically small amount of talent on display.
The television exploded, showering them all in various components.
They all went outside and experienced real life.

Infection

The pills had run out almost a week ago and he had a fever.
The gun sat on the table in front of him.
It was time to use it.

Better Off Dead

They found the old woman's body in her flat. It was freezing cold in there, the heating and electricity having been cut off weeks ago.
Behind them the letterbox clattered. An envelope containing a very substantial cheque landed on the doormat, too late to matter.

Filler (Reprise)

This is definitely the last one of these.

Win

"Ha ha! Now you won't beat me!"
His brother picked up the dice and rolled a Yahtzee, all sixes.
The dream was over.

The Spaniard

He was easily recognisable due to his thick black hair and tanned skin.
He entered the marketplace of the quiet town and removed the guitar from its case.
He played the last song he would ever play.

The Best Story in the World

Spoiler alert: it isn't.

Filler 5

This is the last one in this short-running series.
What a relief.

Sick

The stench was unbelievable.
He felt an uncomfortable watery sensation in his mouth.
The projectile vomit reached a distance of 30 feet from his body.

The Voice

"Are you there?"
He turned around, but could see nobody.
"Are you there?"
Where was the voice coming from?
"Are you there?"
He looked down. The sound was coming from the drain.
A hand reached through the bars of the grid and grabbed his ankle.

Stranger

A man sat in the corner who none of them had ever seen before.
None of them knew he would be the last person any of them would ever see.

Filler 4

Here's another one.

Any Regrets?

"Do you have any regrets?"
"No."
"None at all?"
"No. And I don't have any other kind of bird either."
"Birds? What are you talking about?"
"You said 'egrets' didn't you?"

Bard Religion

They stood waiting in the church.
According to the clues they'd found in his work, today was the day he would return.
Quite why 200 people thought Shakespeare could possibly come back over 400 years after his death was baffling.

The Last Bus

She got to the bus stop just in time to see the bus leave without her.
She would be stuck there until tomorrow.
There was a howl in the distance.

Incomplete

They walked along the corridor. The smell was getting worse.
And then they saw

Is There a Way Out?

She stood in a room with no doors or windows. A lone bulb flickered in the ceiling.
She had no idea how she'd got here.
The walls seemed to be closing in.

Going Underground

They were rammed into the carriage like baked beans in a tin.
He knew it would soon be his time.
He put his hand in his coat pocket and gripped the cylinder of gas which would be used to cause the biggest disaster the city had ever seen.

Police Appeal

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
She stared at the poster containing a grainy photo taken from CCTV of a man robbing a newsagent's.
She had seen him. Several million times.
He was her son.
She wasn't going to inform the police. She was going to go home and kill him.

Nearly There

How much longer?
The finishing line approached and he pressed on.

Just Phoning It in Now, To Be Honest With You

The bus rounded the corner at speed. The driver was trying to make up for the time that was lost back at the roadworks.
A woman stretched out her arm at the stop in front of him. He indicated and slowed down.
The meteor flattened the bus stop before he reached it.

Is Anyone Still Watching?

Who's still there?
I bet you are, you know which one of you I mean.
What about the others?
All dead?
I thought so.

The Apostrophe

He looked in the window of the shop and felt rage bubbling inside him as he spied the hand-written sign.
NEWSPAPER'S
He was glad he'd brought his knife.

The Thing

"Have you got the thing?"
"Yes."
He smiled and hung up the telephone.

Filler 3

Will this do?
Not sure.
Posts anyway.

Motorway

Three lanes in both directions. Thousands of cars each day using its surface, gradually wearing it down.
The road was aware of everything that happened and had had enough.
It opened itself and swallowed hundreds of cars before closing again.

Filler 2

This one's not good enough, but it's getting used anyway.

The Journey

"Are we nearly there yet?"
The boy's father had a heart attack and the car smahed head on with an approaching petrol tanker.

Mystery Item

He opened the curtains. It was still out there.
He sighed and went down to the garden to stop it.

Filler

This will do for today.

Centre of the World

After months of digging, drilling and controlled explosions they'd finally found it.
The red, glowing orb sat at the bottom of the pit, hundreds of miles deep.
"This will change everything," smirked the man behind the project.
The orb glowed brighter and began to increase in size.
Alarms sounded as the walkways near the orb were crushed.
Workers panicked and tried to get into the lift.
It was too late.

Citizen

She had valid papers, but while she had been away the rules had changed.
"You can't enter the country," said the faceless passport officer.
"What am I supposed to do?"
The man shrugged.
"Next!" he shouted and the woman was pushed aside.
She wandered aimlessly, a citizen of nowhere.

Tell Me

The man had a secret and he needed to share it. The knowledge was driving him crazy. He grabbed a notebook and a pen and began writing down the whole story.
He was two sentences in when he heard a tap at the window. He turned to see his nemesis holding a gun and shaking his head.
The pen dropped from his hand.

Have You Seen Me?

He had been lying down for almost 24 hours, watching them all through the hole.
He reached for the bottle of water next to him and carelesly knocked it over. There was a thump as it fell from one of the beams and on to a floorboard.
Below him, five people looked up at the hole. They knew he was there.

Is This the Way to Amarillo?

"Excuse me?"
The man wandered over to the confused motorist who had wound down his window.
"Yes?"
"How do I get here?"
He held a piece of paper containing a crudely drawn map with a scrawled address next to it.
The man looked at it.
"There is no such place."
"What do you mean?"
"That address doesn't exist. At least not in this city."
"And you know every address in the city, do you?"
"Pretty much, yes, and I'm telling you there's no such place here."
"But I've been driving for almost three days," protested the motorist.
The man shrugged and walked away.

Clickbait

You won't believe what happened next.

Switch Off

He took a toke and inhaled. He held it for a few seconds and then exhaled, his lungs burning.
He needed to forget the day he'd had, the things he'd seen. His usual solution wasn't helping though.
He stubbed the joint out in the ashtray and immediately set about constructing a new one.
He reached for the bottle of whisky, unscrewed the top and took a huge slug.
He lit the new joint.
He started to feel a bit more relaxed.
Outside, a man waited in his car, ready to do what had to be done.
His phone rang.
"Understood. I'll take care of it right away."
He put his phone in his pocket and stepped out of the car.

Back to the Start

The man in the suit looked down. “So sad,” he deadpanned and walked away. He took a leather-bound book from his inside pocket to see who else hadn’t paid their TV licence.
He jumped into a waiting vehicle and headed to the next address on the list.
This one would be especially good. It was someone he knew.
He smiled as the buildings blurred past at the thought of exacting revenge on his childhood nemesis.
Death would be the perfect punishment for the incident of 25 years ago.
The vehicle stopped and the man exited. He walked up the path and rang the doorbell.
"Who is it?" came a voice from inside.
"I'm here to check your licence," the man replied.

The door splintered as a bullet tore through it and into the man's face.
The vehicle screeched away from the house.

Eye for an Eye

"It was you, wasn't it?"
He turned towards the sound of the angry voice just in time to see a spork thrust into his eyeball.

Impossible

He wondered if it could be done.
He decided it couldn't.

Same Old Song

She pushed the buds into her ears and pressed play.
She loved the song she'd just downloaded. Millions of people couldn't be wrong and this was a deserved hit. The song ended and she chose to play it one more time.
After five listens she'd had enough of the song and pressed skip. The same song played again. She pressed skip. Nothing happened. She pressed it once more.
Sharp needles shot out of her earbuds and penetrated her brain.
The song played again and again.

Four words

And then it happened.

Jump

He stood on the edge of the bridge and looked down to the river 100 metres or more below him.
Nobody knew he was here and no one was going to stop him.
He'd had it. This was the end.
He launched himself from the edge, plummeting downwards ever faster.
The phone in his pocket rang.

First Day

He was nervous.
The first day was always like this. So many new people to meet, so much to remember. He hated it.
As he stood in a queue for dinner it became too much for him and let loose a long golden stream into his trousers.
"Oh my God!" someone shrieked.
"New boy's pissed himself!" laughed someone else.
It wasn't the ideal start to his time in the office.

Game Over

He hammered the buttons and moved the joystick as he watched the character on the screen in front of him execute some fantastic martial arts moves and despatch yet another opponent.
He had made it to the final level. There was just one more fighter to beat.
The opponent was revealed and they were much bigger than the character he was controlling.
This would take some skill.
No sooner had he started to think this and the giant martial artist had pulverised him.
GAME OVER showed on the screen.
A long knife shot out from behind the screen and entered the boy's chest before twisting and retracting.
The owner of the arcade appeared, dragged the boy out to the back room where all the others had been placed and instructed one of his operatives to mop up the blood.

Cable Car

The mountains were covered in crisp, white snow and they were going to be perfect for today's skiing. The sun was shining and they were all ready.
They sat in the cable car, holding their skis and chatting excitedly.
"How long till we're at the top?"
"About five minutes."
With that the cable car stopped.
"What's happening?"
"No idea. We'll probably be moving again soon."
"I hope so," said one of them.
He looked out of the window and saw that they were suspended over a deep valley.
There was a peculiar sound and they felt momentarily weightless as the cable snapped, before they plummeted downwards, ending the trip all too soon.

Not Long Left

The children sat in the classroom, staring at the clock.
It was 3:40pm on a Friday and they'd long abandoned the pretence of doing any work. There were five minutes until the weekend started and thoughts had drifted towards sleeping late, playing in the park and watching TV.
The clocked ticked onwards. It would soon be time.
The classroom door opened and a stranger with a gun changed everyone's plans.

Bald

It started in his 20s and he'd noticed his forehead seemingly becoming larger. By the time he was in his 30s his head hair had almost completely disappeared. By his 40th birthday most of his body hair had also vanished.
Now his eyebrows and eyelashes had also gone. He was totally smooth everywhere.
All except for his ears and nose from which there grew huge bunches of grey which grew back within a day or two of removal. Nature's cruel joke.

Eruption

The gods were unhappy. The mountain that watched over them was making angry noises. They had sacrificed everything they usually dead to halt the anger - goats, cows, virgins, horses. None of these helped and now smoke was rising from it.
The villagers stood and watched as it began to spew fire and rivers of red ran down towards their huts.
They knew not why the mountain was angry and made no attempt to escape, accepting their punishment with relative ease.

After It All

Once it was over it should have been over completely, but that wssn't the way it played out.
Some had been unaffected by it, and if there had been any scientists left they'd have struggled to offer up any kind of explanation for it.
Those who remained would have no proper life as we knew it as a result and they were destined to live the rest of their days in a shell of the former world.
Not that they would notice. They lived such an isolated exsistence that they would never know what had happened in the world outside of their small patch of jungle.
They would never know the damage others had done.

Total Cop Out

And then the world ended.

Radiation Sickness

They had been underground for weeks, ever since the incident. Most of them were now coughing unhealthily and every one of them looked gaunt.
They decided that they should risk venturing outside. They wouldn't survive much longer in there without water anyway.
They climbed the concrete steps and forced open the heavy steel door.
It hit them as soon as they walked outside.
The air wasn't right.
Two of them collapsed immediately and started vomiting. The others coughed worse than before.
There was no way back now.

Which One?

"Choose a box."
There were two boxes. It was easy for her as one was red and one was black. Red had always been her lucky colour. She tapped the red box.
"Are you certain?"
"Yes, 100%," she replied.
The man opened the box and the room was filled with a bright light which blinded everyone present and ended civilisation as we know it.

Steel

The workers arrived as usual, only to be greeted in the yard by a solemn-looking foreman.
"I'm sorry, everyone, but that's it."
"What? They aren't investing the money?" asked one worker.
The foreman shook his head.
"Sadly not. That means production has to stop with immediate effect."
"Wait till the union hears about this!"
The union wouldn't do a damn thing. Everyone knew that. A hundred years and more of history came to an abrupt end.

Sin

The vicar slammed shut his Bible and looked out across the hundred-strong congregation.
"And that is why you must never be tempted by sin."
He knew thay were all sinners and they knew they were all sinners.
Some of them had commited worse sins than others and one of them was about to commit a terrible sin right at that moment.
The sinner reached into his pocket and pressed the button which would trigger the device beneath the pulpit.

Live, Suffer, Die

She woke up after, at best, 20 minutes of sleep. The pain was becoming so bad now that she just seemed to be drifting between light sleep and barely being awake for most of her life.
The drugs were no longer helping, but she was unable to communicate this fact to them.
The next time one of them came in she would try her hardest to blink again. If she could do it there might eventually be some relief.

Indecision

He stood looking at the different chocolate bars. Which one did he want?
He couldn't make his mind up. He thought he had it narrowed down to five or six. Maybe he could just get one of each?
Yes, but what about the other ones which he also liked that weren't quite inside the top five or six? And in any case he only had a pound in his pocket.
That would be no problem.
He grabbed one of every single bar of chocolate the shop sold and shoved them in the big front pocket of his jacket.
He headed for the door.
"Excuse me, son." He felt a hand on his shoulder.

Full Time

There were seconds left of the time the referee had added on to the match and they were still losing 1-0.
He found himself clean through with just the keeper left to beat.
Could he withstand the pressure or was he just going to slice the ball into the stand like he'd already done five times that afternoon?
He psyched himself up as best he could and prepared to hoof the ball goalwards.
He felt something unusual in his chest and collapsed just as the referee blew the full time whistle.

Milk

She poured cereal into a bowl and walked over to the fridge. She grabbed the carton of milk. There wasn't enough in it for what she needed and what was left had seen better days and was now more like yoghurt.
She needed a solution.
She spied the box of red wine she'd started last night on the kitchen counter and grinned.

Yes

He opened the door. The sun was shining.
This was it. He pulled the door closed behind him, pocketed the keys and headed down the street, whistling.

He opened the door. It was raining.
Not today. He closed the door and went back to bed.

Streetcleaner

He attached the five scalpels to the end of each finger and the thumb on his left hand using duct tape.
He held up his hand and smiled as the light bounced off each instrument.
He grabbed his keys and headed out.
It was time to clean the streets.

Breakdown

He tried to start the car, but it wouldn't even tick over.
He tried again. Nothing.
The barriers came down in front of him and behind him.
He panicked and tried again.
It still wouldn't start.
He could hear the train approaching.
He tried to open the door, but it was stuck.
The lights rounded the bend.

Justice

"Help me!" he shouted.
He staggered down the street, a kitchen knife sticking out of his back.
Curtains twitched as the street's residents tried to see what was happening.
Nobody came to his aid. They'd hoped this day would come and would all agree that it couldn't have happened to a more deserving person.
The man collapsed.

Eat It

"Eat it or die!"
He was kneeling on the floor in tears having been given a terrible choice. He had to either eat the huge pile of shit that was steaming in front of him or they were going to cut off one of his fingers.
He didn't want to lose a finger, but the shit stank and it was making his mouth water in a pre-vomit way.
A boot on the back of his head forced his face into the shit.
There was laughter has he started to chew, the tears streaming down his face.

This Addiction

He had lost everything. A once wealthy and quite well-to-do man reduced to a shell of his former self.
He was sprawled in the corner of a squat, all of his own property having disappeared into his arms years ago.
This would be his last hit. There was nothing left.
He tied the belt around his arm and prepared to inject himself with a bubble to signal the end.

March

There were hundreds of them marching along the tarmac past the fields. They'd been marching for hours and none of them knew where they were going.
A dull thwump sound and a small mushroom cloud way in the distance ahead of them told them that this mission was doomed.

Minibank

She was about to withdraw money for her night out, but she could see the man behind her in the minibank's small mirrors. He appeared to be holding a gun and was standing a little bit too close to her for her comfort.
She'd heard about entering your PIN in reverse in cases of emergency. She tried it - 9714 instead of the usual 4179.
A menu appeared on the screen with just one option.
"Is he standing behind you? Yes or No."
She tapped "Yes" on the screen.
There was a slight rumbling sound and the pavement immediately behind her opened up, swallowed the man and closed.
"Would you like a receipt?" asked the machine's screen.

What's Going On?

They arrived at the same time as the others. Everyone spilled out of the vehicles and ran towards the burning building.
An explosion stopped them in their tracks. There was no point continuing now. They turned and saw that their own vehicles were also ablaze.
And then he turned up. He wasn't pleased. They would all pay for this.

Splitting Headache

She weaved around the chemist's in search of some decent painkillers. The headache had become worse in the last few hours, going from manageable pain to brain tumour strength.
She didn't see the woman with the axe behind her as she browsed various weak tablets.
The axe was raised and brought down with such force that it cleaved her skull clean in two.

Dream

He woke up with a start. The bed was soaking wet. He didn't know if it was sweat, piss or both. It had all seemed so real.
It took him a few minutes to come back to reality.
He swung his legs out of the bed and got up. There was no floor. He was falling, falling, falling.
He smacked into his mattress with a start.

Spare Time

He used to be a man of action, spending hours every day reading and researching important subjects. But now he could no longer be bothered. He spent 16 to 20 hours each day asleep and the few hours he was awake were spent lying on his bed staring at the ceiling.
He couldn't wait until they gave him the injection that would end it all.

President

He was quite far away, but even from this distance there was no mistaking the orange hue of his skin and his cotton wool hair.
He looked down the barrel and squeezed the trigger, ending the suffering of many.
Nobody even tried to stop him as he walked out of the stadium. One man even patted him on the back.

End of the Line

"We will shortly be arriving at our final station," the conductor announced over the public address system.
Passengers stood and began lifting bags and cases from the overhead luggage shelf. They started to make their way to the doors.
Through the windows they could see the rural landscape becoming increasingly urban. Green streaks became grey as the train continued at a high speed.
Usually at this point the train would have slowed to a virtual crawl as it neared the station, but not today. It was coming in at full speed.
The station interior blurred past the windows before a sickening screech of metal on concrete. The passeners were thrown towards the front of the train as it crashed into a WH Smith's before flipping on to its side.

Proposal

He believed in tradition and he knelt down by her side in the expensive restaurant. He pulled a small box from his inside jacket pocket and opened it, revealing a very expensive-looking ring.
"Samantha, will you marry me?" he asked.
She looked so happy and yet she looked so sad at the same time.
"No," she said.
She quickly stood up and kicked him in the face.
He collapsed to the carpeted floor as she continued to kick him in the head.

Police Brutality

The police car screeched to a standstill next to the small fight which had broken out.
Some spotted the car and legged it, but two men continued to fight.
An officer stepped from the car, patting a baseball bat into the palm of his left hand. His partner drew his gun and pointed it at the two men.
"Hey!" shouted the policeman with the gun.
The men stopped fighting and froze.
"Right, you two," said the officer with the bat. "This is going to hurt."
He grinned.
The two men looked fightened as the officers approached slowly.
"Right, here goes," said Officer Baseball Bat. "You two are losers. You have no job prospects and you probably left school with zero qualifications. You spend your time fighting and commiting petty crimes because you're bored and you think society has let you down. Sort it out."
The two officers headed back to the car and got in.
As they drove away, the window was wound down.
"And get a haircut," shouted the officer with the gun.

Bus

"The bus is late," the old lady remarked as the man arrived at the bus stop.
He looked at his watch.
"It's not due for another five minutes," he said.
"The last one hasn't come yet," she replied.
"When was that supposed to be here?"
"This time yesterday."
They stood and waited as the sun crossed the entire sky and darkness arrived.

Negative

They arrived at the fair, or the site where the fair had been, only to find it had gone.
A poster fluttered past them in the breeze with yesterday's date emblazoned across it in huge letters and numbers.

Positive

"Can we go to the fair tonight, dad?"
"Yes."

Is There Anybody Out There?

He sat in a chair in his garden with the telescope on its stand in front of him.
He watched the sky every night, hoping that they would eventually come for him. He had been on this planet for 40 years and he was starting to think they'd abandoned him.
A bright light in the dark sky started to grow even brighter.

Hospital

She sat upright in bed, waiting for the nurses to bring her pills for the day.
Two nurses entered the room with a trolley and began giving out little cups of coloured pills and cups of water to those in the other beds.
They passed her bed without stopping.
"What about me?" she asked.
"You haven't settled your bill for yesterday," said one of the nurses.
The woman cried. The hospital had taken everything from her.

Swimming

He did 50 lengths of the pool every single morning. An early start was needed to ensure he got a full lane to himself.
This morning he'd overslept and the leisure centre was much busier. The pool was full of people who didn't take swimming as seriously as he did.
He needed a way to get all of these fair weather swimmers out of his way. A light bulb lit above his head.
He stood next to the deep end of the pool and shouted: "LOOK AT ME!"
He pulled down his trunks and strained as he shat out a turd on to the tiles.
He picked it up and held it aloft like a trophy, before throwing it into the pool.
All the swimmers panicked and made their way to the edge before climbing out and heading for the changing rooms.
He dived in, a personal best needing to be beaten.

Pride

The trucks drove slowly down the street, each one playing deafeningly loud music and with a bunch of near naked men dancing enthusiastically on the back.
The crowd cheered.
Most of them did anyway. But there was always a bad element at these events who wanted to spoil it.
"Where's our straight pride?" yelled one of the neanderthals. "This is descrimination!"
The knuckle draggers were as surprised as anyone when the men in the tiny leather shorts on the float which was blasting out I Will Survive produced flamethrowers with which to silence them.

Evangelical

"We'd like to talk to you about our Lord and Saviour..."
"Wait a minute. I'm not interested in Jesus Christ, God or any of those other guys."
He wished he'd not bothered to stop watching the old cowboy film when he'd heard the knock at the door. Nobody called around in the middle of the day unless they were religious nutters or wanted your money.
"Who?" asked one of the women.
"God? Jesus? That's why you're here, isn't it?"
The two women looked at each other.
"We've never heard of either of them," said one of them.
The other peeled the skin from her face, revealing a green reptilian face beneath it.

No Entry

The road was blocked. There was one of those little plastic fences barring the way and a helpful sign informed her that the road was closed, as if it wasn't blindingly obvious.
The strange thing was that there was no work being carried out on the other side of the fence; the road was completely clear.
"Fuck it," she said and put the car in gear.
She screeched forward and crashed through the fence, continuing to drive up the verboten street.
The tarmac ahead of her opened up, revealing a huge fiery pit. It happened too quickly for her to stop and she and the car were melted within a split second.

School Days

They lurked behind the science block, enjoying their covert cigarettes during the break. Nobody would see them here and they would avoid a reprimand from the headmaster as long as the teacher on playground duty didn't come around the corner.
The bell rang.
They stubbed out their cigarettes and went inside, each one of them having a class of their own to teach.

Mind-Altering

He put the tiny piece of paper in his mouth and sat waiting for the psychedelic adventure to begin.
Half an hour passed and he felt nothing. There was no higher state of consciousness and there were no hallucinations. He had been duped by that man in the club.
He stood from his chair and walked towards the front door. He opened it and looked out at the rainbow river flowing where the road used to be and waved at a creature which was half man, half elephant on the other side of the river.
He smiled and stepped out into the strange, new world.

Pain

His stomach had been hurting for a few days. Actually, it was a bit below his stomach. He had put off going to the doctor's, an online diagnosis telling him it was definitely terminal bowel cancer, and he didn't want it confirming.
Now he sat in the doctor's waiting room, the feeling of multiple knives twisting in his abdomen.
He felt weak and he was experiencing a cold sweat.
He passed out and avoided seeing the creature burst through his skin and attach itself to the throat of the receptionist.

Artisan

"A cup of tea, please."
"What kind of tea would you like?"
"What do you mean? I want a tea. How many different kinds are there? PG Tips, Typhoo, Yorkshire..."
"Sir, we have over 600 different teas."
"Just a normal one, then."
"There's no such thing as normal tea."
His lesson in tea continued and now he sat in the window with a glass teapot full of some greeny brown liquid and a tiny cup, sipping a beverage that tasted like dishwater that had cost hin £5.
What a mug.