Evangelical

"WE MUST ALL REPENT FOR OUR SINS! HE HAS SPOKEN! IT IS HIS WORD!"
The man with the Bible in his hand paced up and down outside the shopping centre. Everyone gave him a wide berth.
"HE IS THE LORD AND WE MUST LISTEN AND OBEY!"
Nobody was listening or obeying.
He stopped pacing, realising his audience was a very tough one.
He tossed his Bible in the bin and went for a coffee.

Brothers

The phone rang. He didn't answer it.
The machine beeped.
"John? Are you there, John? Pick up!"
This was why he never answered the phone.
"John? Come on, John. I need your help. I'm in serious trouble."
Again? When wasn't his brother in trouble?
"Please John. They say they're going to hurt me."
He wasn't falling for this ruse again.
His brother screamed in agony and the line went dead.

Tickets

"One, please."
"But there are two of you."
"One, please."
"Are you paying separately?"
"One, please."
He took the man's money and gave him a ticket.
The two men walked in.
"Wait a minute, you've only paid for one."
The man turned and pointed a gun in his face. He pulled the trigger.
"One, please."

Toilet

He had sat on the toilet so long that he couldn't feel his legs. This was why he should never take his phone with him.
It was starting to smell a bit in there and he decided a flush was in order.
He turned around and grabbed the handle on the cistern. He thrust it down.
A strange noise came from beneath him and he was sucked into the bowl and round the U-bend. He was carried through a series of pipes and into the sewer.
He still held his phone.

Fish and Chips

"Have you got a fork?" asked the woman.
The man behind the counter arched an eyebrow.
"A fork?"
"Yes, a fork."
"What for?"
"I want to eat my fish and chips."
"Yes?"
"And I need a fork."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not going to eat them with my fingers, am I?"
"Why not?"
"Look, have you got a fork or not?"
There was a very obvious box full of plastic forks on the rear counter.
"I can see them there, just give me one of them."
"No can do."
"Why not?"
"They're five pounds each."
"Five pounds?"
"Actually, they've just gone up to ten."
The woman picked up the plastic vinegar bottle from the counter and squirted it in the man's eyes.

Airport

He sat waiting for the gate number to be announced. It was only 45 minutes until the flight was scheduled to depart.
BING BONG
"The flight you are waiting for has been cancelled."
Which flight? There were lots of flights.
BING BONG
"You there, sitting on the bench in the blue suit."
The man looked around.
"Yes, you."
He pointed at himself.
"Yes, thats right, Einstein. Your flight is cancelled."
"But why?" yelled the man.
Passers by stared at him, the crazy man shouting to himself.

Traffic Lights

The lights changed to green and he began to move forward slowly. No sooner had the car started to move when the lights changed back to red.
He hit the brakes.
The lights changed to green again.
The car moved forward slowly.
Red.
Brake.
Green.
Move forward an inch.
Red.
The motorist got out of the car and walked up to the lights, perplexed.
Having forgotten to apply the handbrake, the car rolled forwards and knocked him on to the asphalt before crushing his skull.