Worship

The bells rang out through the village.

Gradually the villagers made their way from their perfect homes and headed towards the church at the top of the hill.

The two men at the opposite end of the village remained hidden in the bushes until the church was full.

They’d found out a few weeks previously that this was the only village in England where every single person always went to church every single week.

Ideal conditions for burglary.

They had almost two hours to break into as many homes as possible and grab as many valuables as they could. It was like a fantastic version of a Crystal Maze game, minus the leopardskin-clad skinhead and his mouth organ.

The two men split up and each chose a house to start their crime spree.

The first man found the back door of his first house unlocked and just walked straight in. There was a wallet on the kitchen table which contained £100 in cash. This was too easy! He pocketed it and headed upstairs in pursuit of jewellery.

The second man was greeted by a locked door, but used a poorly-hidden key which was in a plant pot next to the step to gain entry. The first thing he saw was a very expensive TV. It was far too bulky to carry, but thanks to Cash in the Attic he was aware of the value of a couple of figurines he saw on the mantelpiece.

The two exited their respective houses simultaneously and gave each other a thumbs-up as they moved on to the next ones.

As they both rifled through cupboards and drawers on separate sides of the road, a loud, whooshing noise could be heard. It grew louder and louder very quickly.

Within thirty seconds of the noise beginning, the two men were dead.

The congregation spilled out of the house of worship to see what had happened.

A huge chunk of metal had landed on the village and destroyed everything. The church was the only thing that had survived. Was it a satellite or part of a space station? they collectively wondered.

The vicar appeared and marvelled at what he judged to be a home win for religion against science.

Two weeks later, after the site had been cleared and the bodies of the burglars had been recovered it was deemed a score draw by the police pools panel.